In which my hackles rise

Here's a post you never see on my blog - the rant post.

But what good is a blog if you don't ever rant on it?!?!

The blog and it's anonymous voyeurs are the PERFECT catharsis for airing your totally bursting irritation at some horrible thing in the world so if you'll allow me...

People who run these kind of phishing scams should be publicly executed in the most torturous and humiliating way possible. Crucifixion is a good option.

There is just NO moral justification for this kind of evil. No "Robin Hood" balancing of thievery with social justice. The kind of people that it may be justified to steal from - the rich and sophisticated - would never fall for this kind of dumbass scheme.

It's the poor elderly people, the less sophisticated immigrants, the widow, the orphan, the sojourner, that may be tricked.

I wish, just once, just once, JUST ONCE, the faces of these hacking cowards would be exposed in public in a journalistic piece and we could all spit on them...and then wipe off our computer screens.

May you burn in hell, you disgusting excuse for a shell of existence, bottom-feeding scum sucker sludge. You are worse than pedophiles who at least have the excuse of a predisposition that is inborn in them. You, however, are just an ass-hole. A pre-meditating, code-writing, sociopathic ass-hole.

End rant.

WHAT THE F?!

One day I will get back to blogging about my kids and motherhood, but today I have to interrupt our regular programming for a very special my-head-is-exploding-with-wonder-and-horror announcement - a little episode I like to call WTF* Gap?

I was browsing their Spring dress line up and came across this horrific little number:

Uh...WTF Gap? My 80's childhood just called - it wants its dress back.

But, the crack Gap designer didn't stop with that. He/she went on to yet another abomination - you know, for when you feel real fancy - denim "color" block!

This one made me laugh too, though it's the least offensive of the bunch. I call it, pillowcase with a waist.

And the denim piece de resistance:

It's like Snoop Dogg meets ladies' medium security prison. Meets low end budget department store.

Seriously Gap, WTF?! Seriously. Seriously?!

p.s. If you actually like any of these designs and I've just offended your tastes, sorry! (Not sorry).

*of course WTF means Why The Frumpery? This is a family friendly blog.

Kidnappers

Every night (pretty much since Judah slept through the night around 9 months) I've been gripped with fear as I torture myself with thoughts that Judah might be kidnapped from his bed while I'm sound asleep.

To make matters worse, I like to wear earplugs to bed because I married Mr. Snoresalot.  I can't hear a thing with those things on!

Many's a time I actually got up out of my comfy bed at 2 am and laid next to Judah's bedroom door, like a human guard-dog--so gripped by fear was I that an intruder might come and take my precious baby.  I'm not proud of it...but it's the sad, sad truth.

So yesterday, I finally decided to arm myself with some knowledge--well, actually I was too tired and lazy so I asked the spouse to arm me with some knowledge by googling 'kidnappers'.

Apparently, in 1999 (yeah, these kidnap sites need to update their stuff) only 115 kids in America were kidnapped by strangers (80% or so are kidnapped by a family member or acquaintance).  Of the stranger kidnappings, the vast majority happen either on the street, or the kid is lured into the kidnapper's car.  There is almost no incidence of a kid being kidnapped from a home invasion.

And, sadly for parents of girls, the vast majority of stranger kidnappings are of girls.

So, turns out stranger kidnapping of boys from their home at night is pretty rare--one might even say, nonexistent.

Thank goodness!  Knowledge really is power.  For the first time in a long time, I slept like a baby last night.

Do you hear the people sing?

I'm a pretty passive and lazy person. But it finally happened.

I finally felt so pissed off at a company that I crossed over my incredibly high barrier of inertia and wrote a bad customer review.

Yes, today I have joined to ranks of The People and added my voice to that great swell at epinions.com.

Against corporate greed! Against unfair practices! Against injustice! I feel like Norma f'ing Rae.

Here's my review:

CONSUMER FRAUD ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
by onaxos, Sep 23 '08

I have never written a customer review before, but I am compelled to now because stamps.com is SO HORRIBLE.

They are completely MISLEADING about how much you will pay for their services. Their practices border on FRAUD.

It shocked me when I got an $18 charge on my credit card from them when I only bought around $4 worth of stamps. WTF?! Only after I called them on the phone did I realize there WAS a monthly service fee at all!!!

The phone operator said I should've been aware of the fees because it is mentioned on their website. Ha! Good luck finding it in the fine print, buried under paragraphs of text! Never is it up front and in a font that commands the attention it deserves!

The website is SOOOO misleading! If you had to devote that much attention to every service you used, you could drive back and forth from the post office everyday and still have time leftover!

Total ripoff. Totally misleading. I would totally report this horrible company to the better business bureau.

Car Alarm Bird

This morning I woke up tired and grumpy.

It's the damn birds outside my window.

There's this one bird in particular. It makes a sound like a car alarm:

tdeeeeeew-tdeeeeeew-tdew-tdew-tdew-tdew-tdew-tdew
tdeeeeeew-tdeeeeeew-tdew-tdew-tdew-tdew-tdew-tdew
tdeeeeeew-tdeeeeeew-tdew-tdew-tdew-tdew-tdew-tdew
tdeeeeeew-tdeeeeeew-tdew-tdew-tdew-tdew-tdew-tdew
tdeeeeeew-tdeeeeeew-tdew-tdew-tdew-tdew-tdew-tdew

Every beat, on the beat.

This stupid bird starts skawking at sunrise and for a moment, my sleep-addled mind incorporated that god-forsaken noise into my dream.

I was back in my childhood home and this gigantic bird, the size of a small dog, was making that awful noise right in the backyard. I was sitting in the house, next to the double-sliding patio window doors and the bird was on the other side squawking.

But this bird was special looking. And by special I mean disgusting. It had the head of a parrot and a naked body, no feathers! Scared the bejesus out of me! I know where this image came from too.

I was watching the local news yesterday and they showed a brief picture of a dancing featherless bird. I nearly threw up when I saw it. Watch this if you dare. (First you'll probably want to put down any chicken tenders you might be eating at the moment).

Anyway, in my dream I was deciding how to get rid of this gigantic horrible beast-bird outside my patio door and thought about opening the door and throwing a rock at it. But I was afraid it would get bloody and pissed and attack me. Messy.

Slowly I realized it was a dream, and the real source of that awful noise was outside my window. I begrudgingly got out of bed, put on earplugs and quietly said a blessing for the inventor of soft squishy materials--aaaaah sweet relief. It's amazing how effective earplugs are these days!

Until my earplugs fell out a few hours later and once again my ears filled with the audio equivalent of bile.

Damn bird.