Tilting at Lego Windmills

Oh Legos.

I can't decide if I love you or hate you.

One minute I'm ready to buy a bunch more. The very next I'm ready to throw them all out and declare our lives lego-free forever.

My boys, like any other boys on the planet, love legos. I don't know what it is about those little bricks and the young male psyche, but it is a match made in biological determinism. Fated. Sealed.

When Judah first got addicted a couple months ago, I was in hog heaven. I blessed the lego gods for all their technicolor glory as I watched Judah consumed with quietly building for hours upon hours. It's like I just got a free babysitter FO LYFE y'all.

But then, but then...oh my goodness, then...

There was Noah.

Little 2.5 year old Noah. Little chubby-handed, clumsy, fine-motor skill impaired Noah.

Oh yeah, and did I mention he has anger issues? Because toddler.

You add to that molotov cocktail an undying love of building architecturally unsound structures, and there you have it - the bane of my existence.

Noah puts a lego piece on, another piece falls off. He puts that piece back on, and a different one falls off. He makes impossible "staircase" structures that are prone to break if a strong breeze passes through and then tries to stand it up without any support. (Surprise, it breaks). He needs help but refuses any because "I do myself! Nobody help me!" He sometimes finally makes something completely and then runs to show me only to have it break off during his un-careful transit...

Taken 0.23 seconds before his creation broke apart.

Let's just say Noah melts down in wailing frustration every 3-5 minutes. All. Day. Long.

My nerves are very, very frayed.

So I packed up all the legos today and took out much more age-appropriate mega-blocks and bristle-blocks. Noah melted down in fury - Lego! I want Lego!!!!!

Judah, ironically, accepted it and started building with the bristle-blocks.

But Noah, chubby-handed, uncoordinated, easily-angered Noah.

Just. Shoot. Me. Now.

Twenty Minutes to Eternity

This afternoon we were chillaxin' in our backyard, mellowed out in the 90 degree heat, when Judah grabs my iPhone and starts snapping away.

All these pics were taken by him (and a lot more that I didn't include) in the span of about 20 minutes. The life and times of an almost 5 year old on a random day in Summer - one day I'm certain I will want to live in these photos forever.

Noah enters the scene - the plot thickens, as always.

So many lunches and snacks get consumed on this spot.

Our shady backyard - the most used "room" in our house!

I thought I was watching Judah take a selfie - nope, apparently not.

This pool was perfect for the kids 2 years ago - they need to stop growing already!

Our new play structure - a gift from our neighbors.

Judah took a million pictures of this structure - it's like he's trying to sell it on craigslist.

One of the many pics of various angles of the structure - I deleted an album full.

The spot where Judah has an "office" and digs for dinosaur bones, and irreparably damages all his pants.

Judah kept telling us to say "Aaaaaah-baaaaah" which is kind of like saying "cheese." We cheerfully complied.

Another craigslist item for sale?

The essence of Noah - oblivious and sipping mango juice.

Judah discovers he can turn the camera on himself.

Judah attempts to do a group selfie but I end up using my longer and much steadier arm.

Me and my faithful sidekicks - every day all day.

Judah wanted a selfie with just me. Now that he's getting older and much more independent, I try to kiss him as much as he'll let me.

Judah loved the "kissing selfie" and wanted one of him kissing me. I forgot who pressed the button but I'm glad someone did.

Judah claims he will always love me and will force his poor wife to live right next door to me and have dinner with me every day. He denies, with tears in his eyes even, that he will ever move far away. But observing all the sons in the world who maintain great distances from their mothers, I'm not holding my breath.

But on this day, on this afternoon, we had it all.

On a clear day you can see for miles

Every week, now that the Spouse is on sabbatical, we try to do one "fun" family outing.

Last week we went to the Lawrence Hall of Science at Berkeley. It's a pretty awesome science museum with lots of kid-friendly displays, but I could tell 99% of it went right past Judah's head.

Judah stands in front of his robot - Noah could not hold still for ANYTHING.

But at least we still had fun "building" a robot and we got to spend it with his cousins (only one of them pictured here).

These kids have so much Berkeley in their genes - they would repel all things Stanford.

I can't wait until the kids are a couple years older. I can imagine us going here often and hanging out at Berkeley the rest of the day. Gosh darn it I love Berkeley.

I love the vibe of the city - the grittiness and hippy-dippyness and general love of sticking a giant metaphorical middle finger in the eye of convention and authority.

And it's also where the Spouse and I met, a thousand years ago when I was a sophomore and he was a senior. There is an amazing view of the Berkeley/Oakland/SF area at Lawrence Hall and I forced the Spouse to do something he hates - take a selfie.

I love "our" city...oh yeah, and this guy standing next to me too.

He tried to get Campanile (the Berkeley bell tower) - the location of so many early dating memories - in the middle of our shot and he did a pretty good job...but screwed up his facial expression in the process, oh well.

We went on a pretty clear day and it was such a treat to look down and see with such clarity all the places I've been. This picture is my whole adult life -from age 18 to when we moved away 2 years ago.

Home sweet home.

All the angst and coming-of-age confusion and despair. On this clear day, I saw for miles.

Summer

I finally got a smart phone 4 weeks ago and now I feel like I have SO MUCH TO BLOG.

I have taken exponentially more pictures and videos in the last 4 weeks than I have in the last 4 years. No joke. Ok, slight exaggeration. But only SLIGHT.

Am I glad for all the excess content? Not sure...is more more? Or is less more?

Jury's still out I suppose.

Either way, I better get cracking with the blog entries cuz I got way too many pics piling up.

First up: Lazy Summer Days

The kids have absolutely NOTHING going on this Summer. No preschool. No daycare. No camps. Not even some weekly soccer class. I f'd up royally this year.

I tried. I really did. I checked out various programs and possible Summer preschools, but in the end nothing worked out. None of it was worth the tears. I hate tears. Noah cries whenever he's separate from me and Judah and it takes a while for him to acclimate. 2.5 months is just not worth it.

And thank the ever merciful Lord we do have a couple babysitters that come regularly to give me sanity breaks. If they ever stop coming for some reason, wow...that thought is so awful I'm not even going to finish that sentence.

Anyway, the Summer is turning out much better than I feared. We spend a lot of time like this:

Running around barefoot in the backyard - the essence of Summer.

And like this:

Thank goodness for community pools on 95 degree days!

Noah gets initiated into the cult of the selfie.

And much to my extreme delight, Judah and Noah play together a lot. Be still my heart, I think they might actually enjoy each other's company. They might actually be friends! Best Friends even!

Their recent favorite game is "going on an adventure" together.

Judah draws a map:

Believe it or not, they fight constantly over who gets to hold this "map".

And they trudge around the house swinging their flashlights around and making notations in their notebooks. Noah often carries his Blue Baby in what he calls his "ergo shirt."

"And then we saw a spider island. But there was no water on it." - Judah the explorer 

And I spend most of my day willing myself to Cherish These Precious Moments because They Will Grow Up in a Blink of An Eye, and I Will Wish I could Go Back in Time, but I Never Can Again.

But the dishes. The messes. The monotony. The constant battle of the wills. And always loosing to the screaming toddler.

Must...Cherish...Each...Moment...RRRRRGGHHH. Mind. Over. Matter.

By the end of Summer I just might become a Zen master.

Woman, Thy Name is Sisyphus

It's a dreary existence when your entire life feels Sisyphian.

Dress kids. Undress kids. Wash a mountain of clothes. Fold clothes. Put clothes away. Dress kids. Undress kids. Wash a mountain of clothes. Fold clothes. Put clothes away. Repeat daily.

Feed kids. Clean up kitchen. Wash dishes. Cook food. Feed kids. Clean up kitchen. Wash dishes. Repeat 4-5x per day.

My two lil' boulders - so small, yet so destructive.

Kids dump out Legos. Clean up Legos. Repeat 3x per day.

Kids dump out multiple puzzles. Clean up puzzles. Repeat 2-3x per day.

Kids leave balls scattered around the house. Kids leave Hotwheels scattered around the house. Kids leave dinosaurs scattered around the house. Kids leave magna-tiles scattered around the house.

Pick-up. Pick-up. Pick-up. Pick-up. Pick-up. Repeat ad nauseam.

Kids spill milk. Kids spill juice. Kids spill scatter cracker crumbs. Kids scatter bread crumbs. Kids scatter chip crumbs.

Clean-up. Clean-up. Clean-up. Clean-up. Clean-up.

From morning to night. Monday through Sunday. We roll the boulder up. It crashes back down. We roll the boulder up. It crashes back down.

And each time, I am never able to push the boulder back up as high as it was the last time.

The laws of parental entropy.

It makes me yearn for something permanent. Something I can point to and say - AHA! I've DONE THIS! And it SHALL NOT BE UNDONE!

Thus, this blog entry.

Our So Called Vacation

I've been putting off writing this post, but I knew it had to be done - the obligatory giant vacation photo/recap dump.

Turns out digital scrap-booking (via blog) is just as annoying as old-school scrap-booking. But at least it's faster. So without further ado, here are the highlights.

We kicked off our trip by attending Judah's preschool graduation. It was so unbelievably cute and yes, I teared up when they sang "So long preschool, it's been fun. Kindergarten here we come!" Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, where did my baby go? WHERE IS MY BABY?! And who is this giant child standing in his place?

A mortarboard and diploma - now that's a legit graduation!

Apparently Judah has reached his pose-and-smile saturation point.

Then we hopped in the car and drove for 12 hours. No big deal.

Over the next few days we hit some great spots in SD:

We walked along the majestic La Jolla coastline.

We got to see Judah and Noah's beloved auntie graduate from med school. I'm pretty sure Judah was equating it with his own graduation - now they're academic peers. Of course.

We visited the San Diego Zoo. An orangutan was one of the few animals the kids saw - the zoo was so enormous. But they didn't really care since they both got toys from the gift store.

The kids got to go to a beach for the first time in their lives. And as if that wasn't enough, we got to go with our good friends who live in that area, another mom of 3 young kids. This was definitely a big highlight of our trip.

The kids had such a great time here I regret that we only went for one day. It's like every child's greatest fantasy - endless sand and water play + seashells to collect.

The kids got to go to their first aquarium ever too. 

Looking back, it was definitely exhausting and not at all a time of sitting back and kicking up our heels. BUT, a change is as good as a rest and certainly good times were had.

Of course, we didn't need to travel 500 miles and shell out a lot of cash to make the kids happy. If you ask them, the highlight of their trip (other than seeing family and playing at the beach) was eating all the yummy treats they would never get at home.

I think this kind of thing would probably be fun in 2 or 3 years...if we also traveled with a nanny.

Hot Tubs for Hot Dogs

Last week I took the kids to the pool. Noah saw a hot tub for the first time and asked about it.

Me: That's a hot tub Noah. It's hot. Don't go in there. It's not for kids.
Noah: Oh, hot tub. For hot dogs.
Me: Uh...yeah...  Let's just go to the kiddie pool.
Noah: Kiddie pool for cats!

Toddler logic at it's finest!

When is a vacation not a vacation?

When you have kids.

There is no vacation from parenting (unless someone else is doing your job).

That's why the Spouse and I have never wanted to take a vacation since our kids came. What's the point? Let's do exhausting childcare in a different locale WITHOUT all the convenience of home!

But this week we bit the bullet and went for a week to the place that most resembles paradise in the continental US - La Jolla, CA (but spoiler alert - it's not paradise if you bring tiny tyrants). We went NOT because we thought it would be relaxing in the least bit, but because we wanted to be with our far-flung family and sometimes "a change is as good as a rest."

We kicked it off right - an exhausting 12 hour car trip driving down from SF to SD. I can never look at my car again without thinking of a tiny torture chamber now, complete with phantom nausea.

Wanna get guaranteed dirty looks from a stranger? Bring your kids into a rest stop that sells breakable items.

The last 2 hours were spent like this. THANK THE LORD BABY JESUS.

The next day I escaped from the looney bin for a couple hours to have brunch at a delightfully hip restaurant with some friends I haven't seen in years.

One of my friends has 3 little ones at home and the two of us were like college girls on Spring break - Moms Gone Wild! It is an unbelievable HIGH to talk without being interrupted every 2.3 seconds. We were talking and laughing like a drowning person gulping pure oxygen - with pure joy and desperation.

One day if I've gone missing, this is the first place you should look.

And I ate better than I've eaten in years. A Paris-Brest puff pastry with strawberry compote and fresh marscapone? (Without grubby little hands grabbing it and wiping it all over my shirt?) I think I just died and met the angel Gabriel...who apparently moonlights as a waiter.

Anyway, since that delectable highlight, it's been nearly pure torture. Kids bouncing off the walls, annoying downstairs tenants, smearing food all over, dumping out crammed suitcases, coloring on white carpet - you know, being kids.

But at least we're being frustrated and tortured just 5 miles from the beach.

Ha, haha, ha, ha.

Sorry, gallows humor.

The Smarter One

I discovered Noah can rhyme today.

Me: Let's read cat in the hat!
Noah: Cat and hat rhyme mommy.
Me: WHAT?!?! You know what rhyming is?!
Noah: Yeah
Me: Does dog and frog rhyme?
Noah: Yeah!
Me: Does feet and broccoli rhyme?
Noah: No
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO RHYME?
Noah [points at me]
Me: No I didn't!
Me: Wow, I think you're smarter than Judah. Shhhh, don't tell him.

Us Now

OMG this blog post is LONG overdue!

Cuz let's be real...I haven't written a "real" blog post in months (those little short conversation snippets don't count for nothin')

So there's no way to do this except for a quick and dirty...

It's everyone's favorite - Bullet Update Time!

'Sup with Judah:

• For the last 4-5 weeks Judah has been deathly afraid of sleeping at night. He's afraid to close his eyes, afraid of the dark, and afraid of bad dreams. Every night he prays that God will protect him from (and I quote) goblins, zombies, ghosts, and skeletons - yes those and those only. This all started when our neighbor (9 year old boy) told Judah all about zombies and how Noah might turn into a zombie at night. Ever since then Judah has been asking me to fervently pray for him each night. At first he asked to be prayed for 3 times a night. And then a week later he upped it to 4 times a night. And then in a few days, it was 5 times a night. And now, I'm happy to share that I am asked to pray for him 10x a night, but it seems to be capped at that good and fullsome number. All this means that one parent has to be with Judah at ALL TIMES until his eyelids get so heavy with sleep they force him to do the one thing on earth he fights with all his might - go to sleep. We are not amused.

• Judah has been going through a very sweet phase. He often says the most flattering things to me - Mommy, you're so beautiful. You're more beautiful than all the princesses in the world. Mommy, you're so stylish (I know, so weird because all I wear are sweatpants and ratty flannels, seriously). Mommy, your smile makes my heart warm like the sun. (awwwww). And my favorite quote from him - Mommy, you're more beautiful than an angel. Not really though. You're not more beautiful than an angel. That's just an expression.

• Just last week Judah has gotten into legos. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Did you hear that? That's the sound of my heart leaping for joy and doing the happy dance. I was told this happens around age 5 and *bing!* right on cue - finally, it's happened to me, right in front of my face and I just can not hide it. I envision countless hours of Judah completely immersed in his technicolor brick world while I lounge leisurely on a couch and read a WHOLE ENTIRE PARAGRAPH without interruption. Unless Noah's around, darn it.

'Sup with Noah:

Update on Noah - still cute!

• Noah remains the cutest thing since sliced bread.

• Noah is slowly loosing his pot belly. Sad face.

• Noah is still nursing (solely for comfort cuz remember, I'm all dried up).

• Noah likes to tell me - Mommy, you have big nipples! (especially in a room full of quiet people. And no, I really don't. I think he just means in comparison to the other people in our family).

• Noah is completely offended if anyone refers to him as a baby. "I not baby! I big boy! Mommy, he call me a baby! I NOT BABY!!!!!"

• Noah talks A LOT but no one understands what he's saying. And most of the time it sounds like he's on some acid trip. Recently heard in the car - Mommy, I ride in the sun boat. And you not there. Judah not there. Daddy not there. But a cow in the sun boat. And a sun man in the sun boat. (rinse and repeat for 15 minutes. Seriously).

'Sup with the Spouse:

Update on Spouse - more "quality" time with the kids.

• He remains a devoted, loving, and long-suffering husband and father. Who visibly wilts after spending just 30 minutes with the kids. The man has good intentions though.

• We're looking forward to his 3 month sabbatical from work starting in June! This will be the first giant chunk of free time he's had since the kids were born and he's actually really excited to be more involved in their day to day lives. My tasks for him to accomplish on the sabbatical - teach Judah how to wipe his own butt and how to pee standing up without wetting his pulled-down pants. Exciting plans!

'Sup with me:

Update on me - still alive, but barely!

• I've been toying with the idea of going back to work. It's hard to find a job that lets me feel professionally satisfied AND allows me to work only 5-15 hours a week, but I think doing something in trusts and estates might do the trick. All I know is I genuinely, truly miss work. And the days I'm with the kids all day by myself are the absolute worst. I was never cut out to be with the kids all day every day and now, after scarring myself and them for 2 years - I've learned that! Yay self-awareness. Sarcastic face.

• This Summer we are FINALLY upgrading to a smartphone. Yes, we are the last people on earth with dumb phones - who aren't grandparents. To be honest, I've always hated the idea of being "connected" all the time. And I've been scared. Like totally freaked out, holy fear scared that I'll lose my ability to be bored for long periods of time if I have a smartphone. I think feeling sad and bored is a discipline and a great gift. And kind of impossible if you're always just a swipe away from every form of electronic entertainment imaginable. But what can you do. Progress marches on.

My Pleasure

Now that Judah has lost all his baby-ness, I'm realizing how quickly this hard early phase disappears. And I'm pretty sure the thing I'll miss most is his voice - the mispronunciations, the cute made-up and almost correct but not quite phrases, the way "purple Hershey's kiss" sounds like "puh-pull huh-see kiss."

Currently, I'm enjoying Judah mangling up the phrase "your pleasure." As in...

Me: Judah, thank you so much for drawing this beautiful picture for me!

Judah: [beaming] Your pleasure!

What a charming conflation of "you're welcome" and "my pleasure."

Completely unrelated picture of Judah wearing a "diaper hat" - your pleasure.

And yes, I refuse to correct him because it is my pleasure.

We Could Be Heroes

Judah and Noah both love superheroes and all their TV shows throw the word "hero" around like confetti at Mardi Gras. Creepy steam engines with faces, curious monkeys, Hispanic toddlers with talking backpacks - these are all regularly declared 'heroes' for doing relatively nothing.

This is our lives - ALWAYS.

But even so, my heart felt a flutter tonight when Judah said - Mom, you're my hero - as I kissed him goodnight. He's never called me that before.

Who knows if he knows what he's saying...but I swear there was something in his voice - softer, sweeter, even shy...

Philadelphia

Today in the car I heard Judah and Noah's first hypothetical conversation with each other. Amazing.

Noah: Judah, if there was a bear in a cave, it going to eat you.

Judah: No, I would fight it! [throws some air punches and kicks] Or I would zap it [sticks out his finger as if a laser would shoot out of it.]

Noah: You need a sword to fight it! You need a sword!

Judah: No, I don't need a sword. I could just...[does punching motions] or use nunchucks...

Noah: Yeah!

Of course I was sitting there, just dumbstruck that my kids ARE HAVING A HYPOTHETICAL CONVERSATION WITH EACH OTHER as if they are real human beings and not babies!

And I was basking in the glow of brotherly camaraderie, which actually has been pleasantly abundant between these guys since the earliest days.

Greater love has no one than this - a brother (or sister).

Noah admires and copies Judah. Judah loves being the hero/guru/big-guy on campus. Noah respects Judah's limits and actually obeys when Judah tells him not to touch his 'spaceship' or 'Hotwheel'.

Noah never fails to give Judah the response he was looking for when he shows Noah something special. Noah faithfully and genuinely says "Whoah Judah, that's awesome! Can I see that?! Whoah." Mission accomplished. Ego stroked.

And mom pleased.

As a mother, there is nothing I desire more than that my kids genuinely like and care for each other. Nothing gives me more pleasure and so far, we appear to be on the right track.

Last week we were at Macy's and the store clerk had a revealing conversation with Judah.

Clerk: You're so cute! How old are you?
Judah: Four...and a half!
Clerk: Do you go to school?
Judah: I go to preschool!
Clerk: That's great! Do you have lots of friends there? Who's your best friend?
Judah: My best friend is Noah. He's my brother.

[Camera pans around to me, grinning from ear-to-ear and beaming with joy.]

And I think the feeling is mutual because the other day Judah asked Noah - Noah, do you love me more than mommy? And Noah, to all of our surprise, said "yeah."

[Camera pans around to Judah and me exchanging a wondrous look and grinning from ear-to-ear and beaming with joy.]

Let It Go

Many moons after the hit release of Disney's Frozen, Noah is still obsessed with the movie and the theme song.

Most days end with him twirling around (I spin like Elsa, Mommy!) belting out - Let it go! Let it go! Don't hold it back anymore!

When he feels like branching out he'll belt out - SUM-UH!

He informed me last week that for his next birthday, he wants Elsa and Anna. I don't really know what that means. Mini-figurines? Or the actual people?

One of my favorite Noah-Frozen moments is when he changed up the lyrics and sang - Let it go! Let it go! Go away, close the door! Don't come back anymore!

Brilliant lyricist, this one.

Noah singing his favorite song before bed - Let it go!

Every parent on Earth is sick of this song by now, but I still love it. Probably because I still need it.

Motherhood so often feels like a call to death. A call to let things go.

Let the clean house go.
Let the organized files go.
Let seeming put-together and in-control go.
Let the interesting articles in your newsfeed go.
Let the trips to Napa and Chicago and Europe and Thailand and Greece and...and...and...
Let the hobbies (knitting) go.
Let the kick-ass career go.
Let feeling important and accomplished go.
Let the big city life go.
Let the shows and movies and fine dining experiences go.
Let the abs go.

Let the idea that you can just have one freaking moment to yourself to enjoy your day without a bunch of kids or chores clamoring for your attention go.

Let it go. Let it go.

The old is gone. It's resurrection or bust.

Actually, Or Else

Noah continues to impress me with his ever-growing language skills.

My baby who's not a baby.

A few weeks ago he demonstrated his grasp of the word "actually". Unfortunately he used it in the context of nursing (yes, we're still nursing, sort of, whole long story, no time for it now...), but whatever. He said:

Mommy, I want nurse boo-boo. [pause] Actually, I just want touch it.

(ew, gross, that's where I draw the line)

And then a couple weeks ago he demonstrated his grasp of the phrase "or else". As in:

Mommy, give me chocolate, or else I gonna cry.

How thoughtful of him to tell me how he's going to torture me, before he does it.

What He Said

Today Judah came in from the backyard soaking wet with colored chalk marks all over his hands.

He informed me that he and Noah had been taking our sidewalk chalk, grinding it down with their feet and pouring rain water on it. And when they ran out of rain water, Judah turned on the hose and let 'er rip.

I made a mess Mommy!

Yeah, I can see that Judah.

But it was a beautiful mess, Mommy.

Oh my heart. Me too. Life is messy. Relationships are messy. Parenting is messy. Figuring out how to not crash your boat between the Scylla of a mother's need for her OWN space and life and the Charybdis of a child's need for his mother's space and life is messy.

And by grace, beautiful too.

At least the pics were nice...

Some lovely photog friends took pictures of us and the kids on Easter.

Noah, as always, didn't get the memo to look at the camera. Toddlers, ugh.

Baby bow-ties = +50 cuteness points

Judah and Noah were beyond excited when they feasted their eyes on 500+ plastic eggs scattered across the church grounds just waiting to be scooped up into their baskets. I daresay they would consider this one of their happiest experiences ever.

Greedy little horders.

What these pictures don't show is how harried I felt trying to get everyone and everything ready for service. The stress culminated in a moment of weakness when I did what I would normally condemn.

As I handed the kids their Easter baskets from last year there was immediate bickering. Noah wanted Judah's bigger basket and Judah would sooner die than reliquish it. I SHOULD have told one or both kids to suck it up.

You should be thankful you get a basket at all.
I'm not going to get you new baskets because you can't learn to be content with your perfectly good old ones.

Except, I caved. I swung by the store and bought them new IDENTICAL baskets instead of teaching them to be content with their perfectly good old ones.

Terrorists - 1
Mom - 0

Sigh, happy Easter.