Oh fun

Two-year-olds are so mean.

Noah made me cry in the car today with this conversation:

Noah: I gonna be three on my birthday Mommy!

Me: Yes, you are!

Noah: I gonna be a big big boy. No more baby, Mommy. You sad you have no more baby.

Me: Yes, Mommy is so sad her baby is all grown up.

Noah: You miss your cute cute cute little baby.

Me: Yeah, I do.

Noah: Your baby's gone! No more baby!

Me: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

This is the chubby guy I think of when Noah taunts me about losing my baby - now excuse me while I bawl.

In other news, Judah slammed his finger in the car door last weekend. His finger swelled to twice its size and his nail turned completely black.

Judah is the kind of kid that freaks out when I dip his hand into lukewarm water to soften his skin in preparation for taking out a tiny speck of a splinter. So you can imagine the hysterics when his finger was throbbing with pain and looked like something out of Mordor.

Kids. Never a dull moment.

A Week in the Life

I don't have any organized thoughts so here's a random sampling of our week...

--I caught a nasty bug and got my first cold of the season. Getting sick always makes me think about ingesting more veggies, which always makes me think about buying a Vitamix, which then makes me wonder if they've invented a version that doesn't leave tiny teflon flakes in the blender mix...have they? Anyone know this?

Sick mommy = lots of eating chips in front of the t.v. No complaints from this kid.

--I found a new favorite show: The Great British Baking Show. It's a PBS baking competition and feels like Project Runway meets Chopped. I've been binging on it non-stop and now find myself speaking in a vaguely British accent to the kids sometimes. Carry on!

--Noah's preschool teacher got fired. Drama. Ugh.

Random picture. Because cute.

--I went to my first parent-teacher conference. I love Judah's teacher! She's perfect! But she's going on maternity leave after winter break, argh.

--I've been enjoying doing various legal contract work projects while the kids are in school. Yup, my first paying job after 2.5 years as a SAHM. I love that it's very low-key - I can literally work just 2 hours a day in the comfort of my own home. And surprisingly, I realized that I actually really truly miss my old friends: legal provisions, case law and contract construction principles. Really, I do!

--All the kids want me to do all day long is wrestle and tickle-fight. And because I'm obsessed with food I often pretend that their tummies are my favorite foods - chocolate cupcakes and bacon. So now, when they jump on me Judah announces - I'm bacon! And Noah proclaims - I'm chocolate!

Forget laundry - "bacon" and "chocolate cupcake" are attacking. Again.

Delish! Now if only I could get my food without a side of foot-in-my-face.

Superkid

Noah at 2 and 3/4 years is charming my pants off.

I love how, without fail, he always insists "Mommy, I not tired at all. I want wake up," exactly 90 seconds before he falls asleep.

I chuckle when he calls me Wonder Woman when we're out in public. And I have to call him Superman. And he calls his big brother Batman.

Wonder Woman and Superman doing what they do best - take selfies

And his dad is, wait for it, wait for it...the Incredible Hulk.

Only to a 2-year-old could a man of average height and very low BMI be the Incredible Hulk.

Yesterday before bed we read the story of how Joseph did not take revenge on his 11 brothers but instead forgave their treachery as a foreshadowing of how Christ would forgive all of humanity. I was pretty sure it went way over Noah's little head.

But this morning Judah was annoying Noah in the car and refusing to be nice or to apologize, and out of the mouth of that sweet babe came this:

Judah, you make me sad, Judah. But I not revenge you. Like Jesus not revenge us.

Oh. My. Heart.

The Brother Report

Having and raising Judah, my first baby, was such a traumatic and exhausting experience, I never ever ever wanted to have another kid again.

But when Judah was around 10 months old, I realized he needed a sibling. The guy wanted CONSTANT people-interaction. He didn't care for toys and do-dads, he wanted human friends, of the high-interaction kind.

And so Noah was born.

Judah was almost 2.5 when Noah came into the picture and we were kind of kicking ourselves at the time. Judah had just become so much easier, but here we were, "blessed" again with another cycle of high-dependency and constant neediness.

But now that Noah himself is 2.5, our lives have gotten to the golden tipping point once again. And this time around? Much much better.

These two boys are everything we hoped and dreamed they'd be for each other. Mentors, comrades, partners, plotters, and the best of friends. Watching their daily interactions is the highlight of my days.

Some moments from last week:

Noah was feeling extra cranky one day so Judah made him a "paws"-itive slip - in the shape of a paw, cute right? Judah gets these at school for good behavior. I guess Judah thought it would also elicit good behavior too. He's always doing stuff to make Noah feel special and loved, awwwww.

The kids found some old ninja costumes. I died of cuteness.

Judah used up an entire roll of tape to make a pirate ship. Please excuse the pantless-ness. It was hot last week!

The kids can play for almost an hour building stuff - legos, bristle blocks, magnetic tiles. I'm in heaven.

Every night is full of kisses and hugs and Noah digging for gold.

It's just like Wrigley's gum says - double your pleasure, double your fun!

Love Hurts

This week Noah started his pre-school (five half-days a week).

The whole ordeal of finding a pre-school for Noah could in fact occupy an entire (very lengthy) blog post in and of itself, but I'll just boil it down to 2 words - unicorn search.

Apparently I look for pre-schools like wealthy handsome bachelors look for life-long mates - never satisfied with the options at hand. I kid you not, this search started 6 months ago and resulted in no less than 5 pre-school tours.

Is it SO hard to find a school that's nearby, with cheerful, energetic, loving teachers, that teaches Mandarin a little, has decent facilities, and is reasonably priced? Yes. Yes it is. Learn from my failings - it doesn't exist. Just like the unicorn.

Anyway, I settled for a school that had all the things I wanted EXCEPT it is freaking far away and pretty darn pricey. Oh well.

The upside is I get to spend a lot of car time with both kids, listening to Judah boost Noah's morale and get him pumped up for pre-school.

Brothers and school-boys and best buds.

Judah: You're going to have so much fun Noah! Are you excited?

Noah: No, I'm sad. I don't have any friends.

Judah: It's okay, it's easy to make friends. Just say "Hi, my name is Noah. Want to play?"

Noah: No, I'm shy.

Judah: Yeah, I'm shy too. When I started pre-school I didn't have a friend for a long time. But then I made lots of friends in the end and I loved it! It just takes time.

It's pretty amazing how often Judah will repeat to Noah almost verbatim all the things I've said to him in the past. That last sentence he uttered is a prime example. Parenting your oldest kid really is like a buy-one-get-one free deal. He just passes it right along to the younger one!

Of course, when Judah and I actually had to leave Noah at drop-off, he totally lost it and cried. Funny enough, he cried more and more each successive day. As a parent, I knew Noah would stop as soon as Judah and I left the room, but poor Judah was racked with grief and sympathy for his brother.

Oh no mommy! I hope Noah is going to be okay! Oh, it makes me so sad to see him cry! When I see him again I'm going to give him the BIGGEST hug. I'm going to squeeze all his guts out!

Judah was so distressed sometimes, I would suggest he pray.

Dear God, please don't let Noah be sad or scared. Please let him have a really fun day and not forget his teachers' names. Amen.

I always love seeing how truly empathetic and sensitive Judah is to other people's feelings. I swear I spent way more time and effort comforting Judah than Noah!

It reminds me of this pic taken when Noah was getting shots when he was only 3 months old. Judah cried much longer and harder than his little brother too.

Oh the sympathy pains!

Me - losing, Judah - winning

This was Judah's first full week of kindergarten and he's off to a great start.

Me, not so much.

Noah's preschool doesn't start until after Labor Day so I've been running around trying to keep him happy all day and what can I say...the struggle is real.

Two and a half year olds be crazy. Totally irrational, megalomaniacal, certifiably crazy. He thinks calling people "poo-poo head" is hilarious and putting his hand down my shirt and "tickling your boobs" is the best thing ever.

And the hair-trigger anger issues. Oh. My. Goodness.

Even when everyone is doing their best to bow and scrape and cater to his every imperial whim, he capriciously melts down and puts people in time-out. That's his thing now. On a particularly grumpy day, Tyrant Noah put all the members of his family, at one point or another, in time-out in the course of an hour.

But enough of about Noah...where was I...oh yeah, Judah's first week of school.

The hardest thing for me each day is finding out what Judah's day was like.

I pepper him with questions about going potty, snack-time, recess, stories read, etc, but I always feel like there's a giant black-hole that I can't quite touch called "what you did during the rest of the 2.5 hours that wasn't covered by my too-specific questions."

But so far I've learned that he's really latched onto this guy named Anthony. Judah looks up to him. Judah tries to please him. Judah genuinely rejoiced when Anthony got a "good behavior" reward from the teacher. Judah thinks he's smart and funny, mostly it seems because Anthony taught him the "interrupting cow" joke. And Anthony is amazing on the monkey bars.

This makes me want to get close to this Anthony dude. Figure out what's his angle.

Is he a nice guy? Is he kinda manipulative? Is he a controller? What's his deal...

Too smother mother? Maybe...or maybe not...

Anyway, Judah's gotten into the habit now of "ranking" his day. So far, on a scale of 1-10, he's ranked his days a 10, 11, 9, 9, 4, 9, 9, 8.

Why the low scores of 4 and 8?

Because while Judah is winning, I am failing.

The 4-ranked day was because I forgot to give him his lunch and he was starving all day.

The 8-ranked day was because I didn't pack enough food for him and forgot his water bottle so he was mildly hungry and dying of thirst all day.

But my biggest fail thus far? I freaking missed the first school Open House. I swear I marked the date on my calendar well in advance, but it turns out I marked the wrong date. Seriously? Seriously?! I kid you not I checked THREE independent sources for this date.

My only explanation is I've finally done lost my mind. 5 years and 2 kids later, it's gone. Gone, baby, gone.

But despite his mother's incompetence, Judah is doing great. Today he was recognized in front of the entire school assembly as a positive role-model. He got the "Paws"itive slip reward which goes to one kid in each class and had to stand up while his teacher commented on the good behavior.

Judah gets recognized for vaguely "doing something for someone."

Apparently he helped some kid named Omar by sharing something with him. Seriously, that is the level of detail I had to settle for after grilling Judah for 10 minutes about what he did to get recognized. I am obviously the worst interviewer/investigative journalist ever.

But I totally remember this kind of thing from my own childhood.

I wanted SO BADLY during every assembly to get this kind of recognition all through elementary school but it never happened for me.

And there was Judah. His first week of school and he got a golden ticket.

Apparently kicking butt at elementary school is a generation-skipping trait in our family.

MIShandled

I perused the cover of Self and saw the lovely Ms. Washington and this caption:

Body, baby, kickass career, "It's handled."

Uh...I love me some Kerry-fabulosity as much as the next person, but, I think we're missing some full disclosure here.

I would like to suggest a more accurate caption:

Body, baby, kickass career, "It's handled...by my giant entourage of household help that includes a personal chef, personal trainer, stylist, day-time nanny, night nanny, and weekend nanny."

Inside, Kerry reveals that she likes to start her day with "stretching and meditation."

Uh, no mother of a 5 month old starts her day with stretching and meditation. It's more like, stretching (out my arms to reach my wailing baby) and lac-tation cuz every baby I've known demands to gulp down morning milk between 5:30 and 6:30 am.

But Ms. Washington's night nanny probably doesn't clock-out until 8 am so "it's handled."

But can we just stop??

Can we just stop with the fake baby-mama celebrity glorification? (I'm looking at all you uber-wealthy moms too, ahem, Sherly Sandberg and Marissa Meyer). Can we stop giving young women a distorted expectation that bodies, careers, and life in general will get handled smoothly along with a new baby?

Can we stop making real moms who are not part of the 1% feel crappy because it's NOT all handled? And maybe it never will be ever again?

How about some reality checks like:
--the horrible statistics on failing marriages when babies come in the picture
--the real nightmare costs of quality childcare
--the complete lack of meaningful jobs that don't demand 50+ hours per week
--the severe lack of sleep that verges on CIA torture technique territory
--the body and skin elasticity that will NEVER be the same again...without ahem, some "medical procedures"
--the overwhelming, crushing, unceasing, weight of it all

Can someone PLEASE just tell it like it IS about raising young kids in this world when you don't have a fleet of helpers (paid or unpaid)? Now that's an article that would actually do society some good.

Dear media world: please handle that.

A Beginning

Today my "baby" had his first day of kindergarten.

The whole world (read: FB) saw this confident happy face:

But, as always is the case with FB, that wasn't quite the full story.

Judah's true emotional state more resembles this face:

And then the Spouse said - Judah, don't look so nervous, open your mouth!

And then the Spouse coached - look happy Judah! look like you're having a good time.

And thus, a confident looking kindergartner was born...for the camera.

But in truth, Judah is a bit of a nervous Nellie, like his mom. I'm an anxious person. I don't like meeting new people. And I especially don't like being in places where I know no one and have no friends.

And that is exactly why Judah told me he was nervous about school. After bravely anticipating his first day for months, he let his strong exterior slip last night and tearfully confessed that he was scared to go to kindergarten. Mommy, I don't have any friends there.

Judah is shy. Judah is sensitive. And Judah is not at all a rough-and-tumble active boy like most kids his age. He always tells me he's an "inside boy" and begs off going to the park so he can sit at home and peruse comic books.

I know it will be at least a few weeks, maybe even a month or so before he makes a friend. And until then, every day will be a struggle. All emotions I remember very, very well from my own childhood.

While Judah was in class I worried.

I worried he would have a pee accident and chastised myself for forgetting to bring a clean change of clothes for him as his teacher had requested during orientation. Dang it woman! Why couldn't you just do that ONE thing right?! Argh.

I worried he wouldn't be able to poke his straw into his 8oz prepackaged milk container.

And I worried he would feel sad and lonely.

When I picked Judah up after his 3 hour class, I wanted to hear the full report. I peppered him with questions like Larry King.

He told me the special sign for needing to use the restroom.

He told me everyone has to wear brown tomorrow from head to toe (shoot - he literally does not own a single shirt with even a little bit of brown on it).

He said everyone has to use 1 squirt of hand sanitizer after using the restroom, but not 2 squirts because there are harmful chemicals in the sanitizer. And then he added that he refrained from going to the restroom because he doesn't even want to have 1 squirt of harmful chemicals on him.

I asked him to rank his day on a scale of 1 - 10. 10 being the most awesome day ever and 1 being the worst. At first he said 4, then adjusted it to 5, and finally landed on 10.

Really Judah? A 10?! You had a really great day?

Yeah!

The Birthday Un-Party

A few weeks ago Judah turned 5.

I wanted to be really low-key this year (read: lazy) and decided just to bake him his cake of choice (chocolate with real whipped cream and berries) and share it with our immediate family.

This sad (but yummy) cake was so slap-dash I thought the Pinterest Police would show up at my door to arrest me.

Easy, peasy, backyard breezy.

And then I thought, why not have balloons. Balloons are nice.

And while I was tying up balloons on our patio chairs, our neighbor (Judah's best big kid friend) did the coolest thing - he stuck his head over our fence (a la Wilson does to Tim the Toolman Taylor) and said - watcha' doin'?

And that's how we ended up with a very sweet little neighborhood party.

So unbelievably blessed to live near these awesome kids.

Our sweet neighbors even drew big celebratory posters and taped them all over our backyard. I absolutely LOVE kid art - such pure and joyful self-expression.

Customized art at its finest- everything Judah loves is on this page!

They crafted some home-made gifts that they KNEW Judah would love (because he's always fondling these things when he goes over to their homes) - origami ninja stars and a necklace with a giant gem.

The best "big boy" friend Judah could ever ask for.

And one very lovely gal rehearsed and directed a song and dance for Judah - he stood in the middle while she sang this sweet folk tune. For a minute our suburban fences fell away and I felt again the strong bonds of tribe and community. Oh what we've been stripped of in our tiny subdivided individualistic western societies.

A gift like no other.

Even now I can hear her sweet clear voice - O happy birthday, O happy birthday. We think you're great, let's celebrate, your happy birthday.

It makes my heart ache for a homeland I've never known.

The secret to actually enjoying a trip with (my) kids

A few weeks ago we took another 500 mile trek back down to L.A. for a dear friend's wedding and again we went in the car. With 2 whiny kids. In particular, one tiny but loud and extremely inflexible dictator-tyrant (aka, a two-and-a-half year old).

This time, however, it was a thousand times better than the first trip we took a month ago. For starters, we rented a giant SUV instead of just going in our compact sedan (this gave us the room to road trip with our lovely friends):

All we're missing here is the tiny tyrant-dictator in the back with me.

Also, I finally figured out what car activities actually work:

Forget fancy toys, just get masking tape. Lots and lots of masking tape.

And sticker dots.

For 2 year olds, the Melissa and Doug "water magic" coloring books are fantastic. And the good ol' smartphone selfie camera is always entertaining for a few minutes (but have fun deleting all those photo bursts of your toddler's blurry nose).

I now have 1000 photos of essentially this.

Another great perk we had this time was spacious, beautiful hotel rooms. Apparently toddlers like to nest in down as much as baby birds!

Kinda unbelievable how long "nesting" occupied Noah.

And the food. Omg the food. L.A. rendered me unable to button up my pants for a few days. But it was totally worth it.

Korean BBQ - I still dream about you.

The wedding we attended was a glorious affair - at a beautiful traditional church with stain-glassed windows and classic architecture. Every design detail was impeccable and just quirky enough to capture the sweet goofiness of the bride and groom. Sigh, if only I got to enjoy it...

Here's my experience of the wedding under El Dictator-Diablo:

At least I had a pretty corsage to look at.

But all in all, it was a great time. And my number one tip for a successful road trip with little kids? (cue the drum-roll)...

Go with friends!

This awesome kid was THE BEST toy my kids could have had and provided us with hours of endless chuckles and silliness. He single-handedly saved me from having to play with Judah and Noah for hours.

Uno, bionicles, minecraft, angry birds - this kid entertained like a pro.

But seriously, our sweet, kind, generous travel companions made all the difference, especially this lovely lady who not only watched my kids so I could get ready in a leisurely way every morning, but also plied me with drinks at night.

My matron saint of good times.

Sorry sweet friend, you have to travel with me forever now.

Now that I've tasted the good life, I can never go back!

The Long Goodbye

I had a thought last week that made me inconsolably sad.

Ever since Judah was a baby, he was so needy. Needy for hugs, needy for attention, needy for interaction, needy for ME.

Back when he was 1 and I was his whole world.

Sometimes he would sense my exasperation and say, "It's okay mommy, you can leave now."

And with great relief and a quiet prayer of thanks, I would free myself from his suffocating grip. Finally, a little "me" time. Time to do all the things I want to do (aka, watching netflix with a bowl of ice cream).

But the thought hit me - in a few years, we will trade places.

I will want him to hang out with me. To share his thoughts with me. To share his heart with me. To stay awhile. And sensing his exasperation, I will say, "It's okay honey, you can leave now."

You can go hang out with your friends. Go to that party. Go play your video game. Go to your fortress of teen solitude, aka, your room, and shut the door.

And he will be relieved that his needy mom has finally released him to carry on with the things that he really enjoys.

For all the pains of parenthood, it is this pain that aches the most, by far.

The inexorable march toward independence - independence in every way.

I will look back at the small boy who left me dozens of love notes every week. All the crumpled flowers he picked to put in those notes. All the hearts he cut out "for love, because I love you mommy."

The things that were so mundane and taken for granted. So rote and common place.

Asking for hugs. Asking to sit on my lap. Asking for ME.

Already he asks for hugs about half the amount he did last year. Already he much prefers to play with his friends than with me. "Sorry, but you don't really know how to play Bionicles, mommy."

Already he has started leaving me.

Back when he was 2 and only wanted to play with me.

For so long I wondered how to help Judah be more independent. I scoured the wisdom of the interwebs and googled "emotionally needy child." And now I have my double-edged sword.

Darn it if it doesn't hurt. Darn if I'm not crying right now as I type this.

And darn if I don't spend the next few years, whatever years I have left, trying to catch every little drop of love Judah sends my way.

Back when he was 4 and told me everyday I am the most beautiful girl in the world - even more beautiful than Elsa.

And you bet I'll be frantically googling a new topic from this day on - how to make your kids like you more so they don't ever want to move too far away.

On being happy

Today I was putting Noah down for his most hated activity in the world - his mid-day nap.

He lies down and says "Mommy I'm sad."

Why Noah? [I fully expect him to bemoan how he must now take a nap.]

Actually, I'm not sad...I'm happy.

[Color me surprised.]
You're happy? Why Noah?

Because God is with me.

[Color me shocked.]

Can a two-and-a-half year old really find comfort and even joy in the presence of an intangible but all-powerful and benevolent being?

And if a toddler can, why is it so hard for me?

Tilting at Lego Windmills

Oh Legos.

I can't decide if I love you or hate you.

One minute I'm ready to buy a bunch more. The very next I'm ready to throw them all out and declare our lives lego-free forever.

My boys, like any other boys on the planet, love legos. I don't know what it is about those little bricks and the young male psyche, but it is a match made in biological determinism. Fated. Sealed.

When Judah first got addicted a couple months ago, I was in hog heaven. I blessed the lego gods for all their technicolor glory as I watched Judah consumed with quietly building for hours upon hours. It's like I just got a free babysitter FO LYFE y'all.

But then, but then...oh my goodness, then...

There was Noah.

Little 2.5 year old Noah. Little chubby-handed, clumsy, fine-motor skill impaired Noah.

Oh yeah, and did I mention he has anger issues? Because toddler.

You add to that molotov cocktail an undying love of building architecturally unsound structures, and there you have it - the bane of my existence.

Noah puts a lego piece on, another piece falls off. He puts that piece back on, and a different one falls off. He makes impossible "staircase" structures that are prone to break if a strong breeze passes through and then tries to stand it up without any support. (Surprise, it breaks). He needs help but refuses any because "I do myself! Nobody help me!" He sometimes finally makes something completely and then runs to show me only to have it break off during his un-careful transit...

Taken 0.23 seconds before his creation broke apart.

Let's just say Noah melts down in wailing frustration every 3-5 minutes. All. Day. Long.

My nerves are very, very frayed.

So I packed up all the legos today and took out much more age-appropriate mega-blocks and bristle-blocks. Noah melted down in fury - Lego! I want Lego!!!!!

Judah, ironically, accepted it and started building with the bristle-blocks.

But Noah, chubby-handed, uncoordinated, easily-angered Noah.

Just. Shoot. Me. Now.

Twenty Minutes to Eternity

This afternoon we were chillaxin' in our backyard, mellowed out in the 90 degree heat, when Judah grabs my iPhone and starts snapping away.

All these pics were taken by him (and a lot more that I didn't include) in the span of about 20 minutes. The life and times of an almost 5 year old on a random day in Summer - one day I'm certain I will want to live in these photos forever.

Noah enters the scene - the plot thickens, as always.

So many lunches and snacks get consumed on this spot.

Our shady backyard - the most used "room" in our house!

I thought I was watching Judah take a selfie - nope, apparently not.

This pool was perfect for the kids 2 years ago - they need to stop growing already!

Our new play structure - a gift from our neighbors.

Judah took a million pictures of this structure - it's like he's trying to sell it on craigslist.

One of the many pics of various angles of the structure - I deleted an album full.

The spot where Judah has an "office" and digs for dinosaur bones, and irreparably damages all his pants.

Judah kept telling us to say "Aaaaaah-baaaaah" which is kind of like saying "cheese." We cheerfully complied.

Another craigslist item for sale?

The essence of Noah - oblivious and sipping mango juice.

Judah discovers he can turn the camera on himself.

Judah attempts to do a group selfie but I end up using my longer and much steadier arm.

Me and my faithful sidekicks - every day all day.

Judah wanted a selfie with just me. Now that he's getting older and much more independent, I try to kiss him as much as he'll let me.

Judah loved the "kissing selfie" and wanted one of him kissing me. I forgot who pressed the button but I'm glad someone did.

Judah claims he will always love me and will force his poor wife to live right next door to me and have dinner with me every day. He denies, with tears in his eyes even, that he will ever move far away. But observing all the sons in the world who maintain great distances from their mothers, I'm not holding my breath.

But on this day, on this afternoon, we had it all.