78, 79--Fri, Sat

You seemed to have regressed a little in these last couple days. I guess it really is 2 steps forward, 3 steps back sometimes.

Your reflux has gotten worse and you scream in agony every evening around 6pm. Thankfully, it's only for 15 minutes or so (not like when you were a newborn and screamed for hours on end). And the ergo really does a great job of calming you down--that, and your baby Zantac meds.

Last night you woke up every 2 hours to eat, which was brutal and exhausting. What the heck?! You haven't been that bad of a sleeper since you were 5 weeks old! Are you going through a growth spurt? You didn't eat that much each time though. This better not be a habit from now on!

All of this has precipitated another meltdown from me (I do that a lot, apparently). I always feel like just one fussy feeding away from breaking down in tears. I guess sleeping just 4-5 hours a day in 30-45 minute increments can do that to a person! I keep wondering--when am I ever going to feel human again?!

Here's a pic of you in a mobi wrap. Thanks to the moms at the mom group for showing me how to use this. It distributes your weight better than other baby carriers, but you're still really heavy and my shoulders were burning after 10 minutes.


And here's a pic of you sort of sitting up in the boppy. I've recently become alarmed at your slow milestone developments. You can't really lift your head and you can't really sit up with support...


as this picture clearly demonstrates.

76, 77--Wed, Thu

I didn't have these photos before so I'm posting them now, but they really belong to the last post.

Here's a pic of you finding your fist to suck on:


And here are pics of the aftermath of your shots. They made you totally cranky and fussy for the rest of the day. I think they made your thighs really sore. You didn't even like your favorite activity--taking a walk in your stroller.


And you refused to be consoled even when I picked you up.


Wednesday was a sad blur. Not much happened except I felt really abandoned. It seems, by hook or crook, for many and sundry reasons, all your babysitters (paid and unpaid) have fallen by the wayside.

First, your grandma stopped coming because of another care-taking obligation. Then your auntie couldn't come for health reasons. Then the wonderful Mur couldn't come because of shift changes. And finally, the cherry on top, your 3x a week nanny suddenly went MIA this week. She simply stopped showing up! No explanation, no notice, no warning, no decency! We found her on Craigslist and I have half a mind to go on Craigslist to warn other parents about her unprofessionalism. So I've been scrambling this week--barely getting a 10 minute break here and there.

Today, Thursday we went to the mommy group again. I was so excited to go again and dressed you up in your Halloween outfit.

But, I was terrified that you'd be screaming your head off in the car (so heartbreaking). Thankfully though, you were quiet both ways! You even fell asleep on the way back! I wonder if it's because I turned up the music really loud. You seem to like Red Mountain Church music--good taste kid.


I shared with the group that I can't follow the EASY routine suggested by the Baby Whisperer. The group told me the Baby Whisperer is the devil and I should burn her book. Um...okay...but I still need a routine! What now?!

Also in group, you made a friend! You and baby Jack were babbling and smiling at each other the whole time. It's the first time you've interacted with another baby!



And lastly, a gratuitous photo because you're so darn cute:

72, 73, 74, 75--Sat, Sun, Mon, Tue

Well, it's another marathon blog entry...

Here are the highlights, let's roll 'em!

Saturday--I don't remember anything about that day, except that you started to chew on your fists. You've found your hands and are on your way to self-soothing! You've been taking short 30 minute naps and waking up with a big smile on your face. It's kind of freaking me out because you usually take 1.5 to 2 hour naps and wake up screaming for food. I don't know whether to play with you, feed you, or try to lull you back to sleep. You're definitely getting more "alert."

Sunday--This night you slept from 10pm to 5:30am!!!! I thought you died or something when you didn't wake up for your normal 2am feeding. Let's hope this becomes a habit!

Monday--You used to go down to sleep really easily after 8pm because your internal clock makes you really tired. But lately you're wide awake and we have to 'ergo' you to sleep. But more disconcerting is that you'll scream and cry after your night feedings, which you never used to do either. I'm afraid this might mean the end of your "good" nighttime behavior.

Tuesday--We went to the pediatrician's today and you got your first set of shots. You did great considering how painful they were (of course I tried to make them easier on you by breastfeeding you while you got them).




We also found out that you are now over 15 lbs and 95th percentile in weight and height! But you still have a pin-head that's only 60th percentile.

100 Days of Solitude

This is a rare post about ME, and not about Judah.

I just wanted to take a moment to record and remember what this new-mom experience has been like. For the last 70-odd days, I've often wondered aloud--WHY DID NO ONE WARN ME ABOUT THIS?!

No one warned me how hard, stressful, and life-altering (no, make that life-obliterating) having a baby would be. I mean, yes, there was cryptic advice like--sleep as much as you can before the baby comes!--but I never thought the pain would go way beyond just mere sleep deprivation.

What does it mean to care for a newborn?

It means to not eat when you're hungry, not sleep when you're tired (and not be able to fall asleep when you have the opportunity to nap), not pee when you really need to, and not scratching your nose when it itches (because any small movement will wake up the light-sleeping baby in your arms).

It means constant aching shoulders and a crick in the neck. Carpal tunnel in your hands and wrist from steadying his fussy little head while you breastfeed. And a constant achy back from lifting, holding, and sitting for 8-12 hours a day.

But, most stressful of all, it means feeling totally inadequate and unsure of what to do. When the baby cries it's hard to know if he's tired, gassy, hungry, overstimulated, under-stimulated, or just plain in a fussy mood. Why did he turn from being a good napper into a bad napper? Why was he so calm when he ate yesterday, but so fussy today? And the worst thought of all--am I doing something that's making things worse?!

There are tons of baby books and experts with contradictory advice. There's research that says one thing, and experienced caregivers that say another. It's a big tangled mess.

They say the first 100 days is the hardest and until then, every mom needs a lot of help and sympathy. I am not a jealous person, but I'm downright envious of people who have moms and extended family that can help for that rough duration--or who have the resources to hire a baby nurse.

But what really wrangles me is the thought of all those moms out there that are REALLY in need of help--isolated single moms of low socio-economic status. How in the world can they possibly survive this period and help their babies thrive? My heart goes out to all those struggling moms who have only 1 pair of hands.

71--Friday

I can't believe you're already finished with your 10th week of life!


I remember when you were just 4 or 5 days old, I thought I was going to die of exhaustion and stress before you reached 10 weeks old. 10 weeks sounded so far off and unattainable. But, by the grace of God, and the kindness of a lot of babysitters and helpers--we've arrived!

You are so much more mellow now and best of all, you're starting to smile and giggle a lot! Here's my favorite video of you giggling big time--I've never seen you have so much (truly socially interactive) fun.



We also took you on a walk in your stroller today for only the 2nd time ever. You loved it! And I loved how it really tired you out and made you really sleepy. I think 30 minute walks is going to be part of your every day routine from now on.

68, 69, 70--Tue, Wed, Thu

Where do the days go?!

On Tuesday I was despairing because you seemed to be going backwards in development and fussiness.

On Wednesday you slept the best ever! You slept for a 5 hour stretch and then a 4 hour stretch. And you weren't such a fussy eater. But you still won't nap on your own.


Today, I went to the new mom's support group and here are the highlights:

(1) You cried the entire 20 minute car ride there and back. I thought I was going to die of stress and heartache, hearing you wail and scream your head off in the backseat. Not sure I ever want to attempt that again.

(2) The moms went around in a circle sharing but I didn't really get a chance to share since I sat near the end. I felt pretty disappointed about that. But I did manage to tell the group that I'm frustrated about your naps. The facilitator looked at me like I was crazy. She said it was ridiculous to expect babies to nap on their own during the first 14 weeks of their lives. I also said I have you on a 3 hour feeding schedule and the facilitator once again thought I was crazy--she said you should be eating every 1.5 to 2 hours.

Clearly this facilitator has never read the Baby Whisperer. But her reaction made me feel better. I felt like something was wrong with you because you weren't behaving the way the Baby Whisperer said you should. This whole time I was stressed out and kicking against the goads, trying to have you nap by yourself. Now, I think I'll just embrace the fact that you need to be held for all your naps, get some good DVDs on Netflix, and just hold you while I watch them!

And maybe I'll feed you more often too...?

It's so hard to figure out how to take care of you! Why don't you come with an instruction manual?!

In other news, you started to love looking at your mobile last week!


And you love talking to me when I lay you down flat on your back.

66, 67--Sun, Mon

Okay, now it feels like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

I'm not sure what's going on but all the gains in the past few days have seemingly been erased without a trace! You won't sleep in your sleeper at all now and instead of feeding somewhat calmly, you fuss and cry when you eat. Your acid reflux is back with a vengeance (probably because we discontinued your meds) and your longest nighttime sleep stretch is only about 2.5 hours!

I guess this all may be attributed to the fact that we stopped giving you your Zantac. Why? I'm not sure. I just felt like it wasn't helping you all that much (and causing other fussy problems) and you were doing just as well (and sometimes better) without it. But now your body might be so used to the Zantac, it's over-producing acid now that we've taken you off. Truth is, I really don't know what I'm doing.

On Sunday, your dad's sister and dad came to visit. You were a good sport about ending your nap time early to get in a photo-shoot before they had to leave.


Those are some clashing stripes!


Here's a sad, horrific picture of your ear. I felt sick to my stomach when I saw this. It must have happened with your babysitter, when you were screaming and flailing around when she tried to nap you. I'm pretty upset with her now. Poor baby!

64, 65--Fri, Sat

Life with you is 2 steps forward, 1 step back.

Your reflux has gotten better, but now you fuss when you eat all the time from gas pain. You scream in the middle of eating, even at night (which is torture) and I don't know whether to burp you or keep feeding you.

For a couple days you woke up only 2x at night, but last night you woke up 4x!

Actually, it's more like 2 steps forward, 2 steps back.

Here's you in some "big boy" clothes, instead of your regular onesies. Sometimes you like to dress fancy, just to change things up a bit.

62, 63--Wed, Thu

Not much happened Wed, except that I successfully napped you in your sleeper 3 out of 4 times! Hallelujah!

Thursday I ventured out to a new parent's group. I left you at home with the sitter since I was deathly afraid you'd fuss too much. And I didn't know what to expect anyway. When I got there, I saw about 20 moms and babies of all ages, ranging from 1 week to 5 months. There was so much cuteness in that room!

All the ladies took turns around the circle sharing on the topic "self care." I was frankly amazed that there were 2 newborns there--7 days and 10 days. How the heck did these parents manage to get dressed, get out the door, and look normal and alert?! They acted as if everything was easy breezy. It frankly made me feel pretty inadequate--am I the only new mom that freaked out and broke down crying during those hard first weeks?

Anyway, I loved having a room full of supportive moms giving each other advice and encouragement. I'm definitely going to try to go back next week, this time with you in tow! The moms promised they'd show me how to use the mobi wrap I bought but could never figure out.

And now the pics...

Here's you getting some "sun time." Gotta give you some vitamin D.


Here's a sweet baby smile, aka, mommy's crack.


Here I am giving you your antacid meds.


Which you obviously hate.


And here's a rare sight--adult interaction for me. Thanks Tam for the AWESOME food and visit! That pumpkin pudding with caramel sauce was UNBELIEVABLE.

61--Tuesday

Life with you just keeps getting better and better.

You seem to be less fussy after starting your antacid meds and you're sleeping more and more in your sleeper.


But more importantly, last night, a miracle happened. You slept for 5 hours straight! And then for another 4 hours! Too bad I had insomnia at night and couldn't take advantage of your fantastic sleep cycles, but maybe this is a sign of things to come?


And you're becoming quite the charmer. Yesterday you looked me in the eyes and smiled and giggled for a whole 2 minutes! I swear I was in heaven.

On the downside, I seem to have tore my left shoulder muscle. There's a sharp brutal pain when I move even the slightest bit. How am I going to take care of you now?!

58, 59, 60--Sat, Sun, Mon

Today's entry will be stream of consciousness style since I'm too tired to organize my thoughts. Let's see...where to begin...


Naps! You've been taking some nice short 20-30 min naps in your sleeper. You wake up every once in a while, but if we rock you just right, you'll fall back asleep (this is where I do a lot of my fervent prayers--please, please, please let him go back to sleep). It doesn't always work, but it's a step in the right direction. PTL!

Food--You're still fussy when you eat, but there was one day, Saturday, you at like a calm and collected angel. I don't know what got into you to make you so peaceful (after 4 weeks of constant fuss), but it hasn't stuck around. We started giving you baby antacid meds Monday so hopefully you'll be in less discomfort.

Clothes--Yesterday you had more wardrobe changes in the span of 3 hours than Beyonce at the Grammy's. You woke up covered in pee (change 1), then spit up all over yourself (change 2), then poop leaked out of your diaper (change 3), then you spit up all over again (change 4), then had another leaky diaper (change 5)!


Development--You're talking a lot! You constantly babble and coo, even when you're eating and drifting off to sleep. You don't smile that much, but when you do, I feel like a crack addict getting a good hit--so intoxicating.

What mommy wants (well, one of the things on a long list)--I wish you would sleep longer at night! You wake up every 2-3 hours. Whatever happened to sleeping 5-6 hours?!?! It's all the more painful to nurse you at night since I have to sit up and keep you at an incline so you don't gag while you eat.


I can't believe you're 2 months old now! I thought we'd NEVER survive this far. Only 4 more weeks until you're a "real" baby and no longer a newborn. Although caring for you is still hard and exhausting, it used to be a lot worse. I remember feeling the full weight of each 24 hours. Now, it seems like time goes by in weekly chunks. Soon, maybe it will bi-weekly...

55, 56, 57--Wed, Thu, Fri

Man, I'm getting behind on the blogging.

It's because life with you has become somewhat of a constant battle. You've become a really fussy eater, nursing for a couple minutes and then crying and writhing around. And, as always, your naps are high-maintenance ordeals. It's like nothing works anymore! (like Washington, ha ha)

I'm starting to suspect that you have bad reflux problems and that the inclined sleeper maybe making it worse. I read that a 60 degree incline actually worsens reflux!

That's too bad since the babysitter can actually have you nap really well in the sleeper and I started to have hope that I could too one day. Argh. Not sure what to do now though.

Poor baby. A rare smile.

54--Tuesday

Well, the jury's still out on the new sleeper.


I tried to nap you in there 4 times yesterday and you "allowed" it once. That's better than nothing, but not a smashing success by any means. We'll keep working on it and see if we can improve those odds.

Yesterday I had a major meltdown because you wouldn't sleep in the new sleeper at first. I had built up all this desperate hope in that contraption, and when it didn't work I complete lost it. Luckily your dad was there to take over and talk me down from the ledge. I just can NOT continue to hold you, bounce you, walk you, swing you, for 8 hours a day during your nap times. You're nearly 13lbs!!!!

Your nap issue is depressing me so much, it's overshadowed all the great things that's been going on. Like, the fact that you are such a prolific communicator--you babble and coo constantly. And you just had your first 5 hour stretch of sleep least night. Good job baby!

51, 52, 53--Saturday, Sunday, Monday

Yes, I'm cutting myself a lot of slack with the "daily" blogging. But hey, I need it since you CAN'T be put down for ANY naps.

My day consists of feeding you and playing with you for an hour, then holding you for 2 hours as you nap, and then feeding you again, etc. I barely have time to run to the bathroom and grab a quick bite while you're playing by yourself for 10 minutes.

Peg and Mandi (my new mom life-lines) suggested I get a nap nanny (basically, an inclined sleeper) for you so I ordered this gizmo off Amazon. All the reviews said it was a miracle worker so I'm cautiously optimistic. And honestly, I've been praying (or rather, begging and pleading God shamelessly and desperately) that it will work for you!


We just got it in the mail today (yay for free trials of Amazon Prime!) and I'm going to try it out as soon as your babysitter leaves this afternoon. Man, I haven't been this antsy in anticipation since I was waiting to see if I passed my bar exams. I hope, I hope, I hope...

And as always, here's some gratuitous pics of you.

Here's you, chillaxin' on your changing table. You love laying out, stretching your big long legs and babbling to yourself. I'm usually running to the bathroom and scarfing down food while you're doing this.


Here's the two men in my life, taking a nap together (except you're not napping of course).


Check out this cute onesie you're wearing--it's a 6 month old onesie! That's right! You're so big and tall.


A rare smile! You must like being shirtless.

50--Friday

You're done with another week of life! Goodbye Week 7, hello Week 8.


50 is kind of a special milestone, not just because it's a nice round number, but because I only spent 50 days with my own mom.

At just 50 days old, she boarded me onto a plane and flew me to Taiwan to be raised by my grandparents until I was 2. I missed her during my whole babyhood.

Now that I have you, I can't imagine having to make a decision like that. Although, there are days when I'm ready to ship you off to a different continent too! But seriously, how gut-wrenching if I had to miss all your baby giggles, watching you learn to crawl and stand-up, and hearing your first words.

But the saddest thing would be that, after we were reunited, you wouldn't even know that I was your mommy.

48, 49--Wednesday, Thursday

Okay, I'm getting lazier with the blogging, but this week has been really rough. Through a twist of fate, almost all of your usual babysitters are suddenly out of commission. That's 4 full days of help, suddenly gone!

I never realized how painful it is to hold you during ALL your nap times. Which led me to buy Ferber's book. I'm so ready to Ferberize you, but I have some misgivings. First, you seem to genuinely have digestive issues and need to be upright when you sleep. Second, Ferber said his method is primarily for nighttime sleep and for babies 3mo and up.

But I can't wait until you're 3 months old to finally put you down during naps!!!

Here's some pics of you early in the morning when you're always in a good mood. You do most of your smiling at 7am--which makes waking up at that time just a little less painful for me.


Here you're practicing your Mr. Baby Universe pose.