97, 98--Wed, Thu

A lot has happened these last couple days.

Most significantly, your dad and I (mostly your dad) have decided to sleep train you! I feel really conflicted--not wanting you to cry all night, but also wanting to teach you to sleep/nap better.

Your dad has no problem having you cry and cry and cry. He says it doesn't hurt you in the least bit and you won't even remember it. I don't know.

Anyway, your sleep habits have really deteriorated in the last few weeks, so I guess it might be time...unless I want to keep waking up every 2 hours at night.

Your dad has slated this coming Sun, Mon, Tue, and Wed nights for the first big days of training. I'm totally dreading this.

And now onto happier things...

You've gotten a few new toys!

Here's you sitting in a Bumbo chair, courtesy of Peg. Got to train those sitting muscles.



Here's you playing with your little activity mat.


And you playing on your deluxe activity mat.


I try to give you tummy time everyday and you are making great strides in lifting up your head AND chest!


I have still yet to see you reach out and grasp for things, but every week it seems you make really great developmental strides.

Thursday we went to the mom's group again and stayed for lunch. You were really great and calm and for the first time ever, I pushed you around in your stroller instead of wearing you in your ergo or moby wrap. I felt like a "real" mom, collapsing your stroller in my trunk and pushing you around.

You really are a sweet, chill guy when we're out and about. You don't even care if you skip naps or meals. One mom commented on how "good natured" you seem, as her baby was wailing and fussing.

Talking to the moms at lunch, I realized that they are all rather mature--most are in the 38-40 range. No wonder they're so into attachment parenting! They've waited their whole lives for their precious bundle and have vast resources of time and money to lavish on them. I think I'd scandalize them by sharing that I'm going to ferberize you! Le scandal!

96--Tuesday

Last night you FINALLY slept at 8pm (an hour later than your usual bedtime due to tummy issues--you spit up tons) and woke up at 11pm, 2pm, 3pm, 4pm (this time you screamed like a banshee for 15 minutes at your dad and wouldn't stop until I came in and held you), and 6pm. I think it might be time to feberize you.

But every time I contemplate doing so, I feel awful. I don't want you to cry and wail for hours. What if we're not doing it right? What if you really do have legitimate needs that you can't "self-soothe" away? What if your brain development is just not there yet (since you do seem to be a little behind in your milestones)? Maybe I'll wait til you're a little older.

But then, it could be harder to change your habits. And in the meantime, your poor parents will be continuing to suffer sleep deprivation torture.

What to do, what to do.

On the upside, we had a fun visit from Peg and baby Isaac yesterday. It's so great to be able to share being new moms with Peg.


At 9 mo, Isaac was really social and reached out to you as Peg told him to use his "gentle touch."


You, however, were oblivious to it all.


Here we are, just a couple of strollers strolling by with our strollers.


And here's a random naked picture--you're so barrel-chested!

95--Monday

Well, life with you is ever so slowly starting to get easier.

I think my body is getting used to the fragmented sleep and it isn't making me feel so exhausted (and totally cranky) all the time. I marvel that I haven't had more than 3 hours of sleep at a time since you were born (and most days, no more than 2). And probably won't until you're 6 months?

Now I understand why babies have to be so darn cute--otherwise, their moms would NOT want to put up with them.

I've thought a lot about ferberizing you now that you're a full 3 months old. But I just dread the thought of hearing you cry your head off for a long period of time. And besides, I really do think you only wake because of hunger and gas pains. Lately I've been waking up about 2x a night (sometimes 3) to feed you...that's not so bad.

Here are some random pics:

I love how you stretch out after an occasional good feeding. (Of course, half the time, you cry and wail after feeding, which is not so cute).



Here's a make-shift "chair" your dad made for you.


I love when you share your thoughts with me.


Your eyelids get bright red after you have a good cry--you look like a geisha!

92, 93, 94--Fri, Sat, Sun

I can't remember anything significant happening Friday.

Saturday was your true 3 month birthday! You capped it off with a crazy screaming cryathon at night for about 3 hours. I haven't seen you this inconsolable and upset since you were a newborn. You hated the ergo, refused to nurse, and just screamed and screamed. Your dad and I had no idea what was wrong and thought we might have to go to the ER!

But eventually, around 9pm, you tired yourself out and fell asleep in my arms. Ah, sweet silence. And then you proceeded to have one of your best night times EVER--waking up only twice at night, with a 3 and 5 hour sleep stretch. I guess you were just exhausted from all that crying.

You continued your good behavior into Sunday, where you enjoyed all the attention at church. You were completely unfazed by all the crowds, noise, and people holding and passing you around like a sack of potatoes. I think you kinda liked it. You didn't even care that you skipped 2 of your naptimes altogether!

This Sunday was also great because it was your dad's ordination service.


We are really proud of him getting ordained in the PCA. Now you're officially the son of a preacher man.

89, 90, 91--Tue, Wed, Thu

Wow, I can't believe there's only 10 days left until your 100 day mark!

You have good moments and fussy moments, but generally I like the direction that things are trending in. Your tummy troubles seem to be getting better with the probiotics and you're generally a calmer, more settled dude.

I was kind of annoyed Thu because you needed to be in the ergo for all of your naps. But at least that gave me the chance to watch Tropic Thunder (and part of Dreamgirls). It was thoroughly enjoyable--one of the funniest movies I've ever seen--and now I can't stop calling you Simple Judah (followed with "the Tale of a Simple Baby").

Here's you, Simple Judah, in your big boy pajamas (for a 12 mo):


And Simple Judah stretching after his meal:

87, 88--Sunday, Monday

Sunday I was feeling pretty down because I felt like you weren't making enough progress fast enough. (I admit, I was comparing you to other babies near your age in the new mom's group).

Your digestion is still bad. You don't sleep well at night. And you're not really improving developmentally and socially. You barely look at us in the eye (I was really starting to worry that you're autistic), and you don't talk as much as you used to.

Your dad thinks all of this is because you were sleeping on a moldy crib sheet. Yes, we were horrified to look under your mattress pad and find a giant petri dish of mold growing underneath it. Apparently you had vomited on the crib sheet, it never dried out, and we put the mattress pad on top--creating the perfect condition for mold to sprout.

But today, I feel much better. Your dad reminded me that things used to be a lot worse and you have improved lots. For example...

--you used to scream and cry in your car seat, but now you're quiet when I play your favorite CD.

--you used to fuss and grow impatient in your stroller, but now I can take you for long walks and you love it.

--you used to hate changing diapers, but now you stare at your mobile and babble for a long time.

--you used to need us to hold you or ergo you for every nap, but now you'll sleep in your cradle swing for at least 30 minutes at a stretch.

--you used to fuss and cry at every feeding, popping on and off, but now you're much calmer.

--and just today, you found your thumb to suck on!


But one thing hasn't changed at all since your birth--I think you're darn cute!

85, 86--Friday, Saturday

On Friday you got your first baby toy--Jacque the Peacock.


You loved staring at him and sampling his feathers with your mouth.


On Saturday, I got discouraged again because your nighttime habits have regressed to your early newborn stages--you woke up 4 times! It's so brutal when you only go 2 hours between feeding--it takes me 40 minutes to feed you and put you down, 40 minutes to fall back asleep myself, which leaves me almost no time to actually sleep.

I can't wait to sleep train you as soon as you finish your 3 month mark!

84--Thursday

Today we went to the new mom group again. This time, we stayed for lunch!

I was afraid you'd fuss and scream if we were out too long, but you were quite good. I popped you in my moby wrap and you were generally happy. I loved socializing with the other moms (although I'm kind of sad I'm the only Asian mom there). We swapped birth stories and I got to tell them how much I loved the pushing part of labor.

Last night was another difficult night. You used to sleep 4-5 hours at a stretch, but lately, it's been only 2-3 hours. Last night, you got up to eat again after just 1.5 hours! And then you proceeded to scream in pain. Your dad held you and you threw up twice. You do that a lot at night (and during the day).

I wonder when your digestion will get better. It is wreaking havoc on our sleep! I gave you some baby acidophilus today (thanks Brandon!) so maybe you'll feel better tonight.

In other news, here's a pic of you in your My Little Lamb cradle swing. We just got it for you last week and I think it's the greatest invention ever made. I wish I had one of these things when you were a newborn because you'll sleep in this for over an hour! I think every preggo should get this as a shower gift. 1400 positive reviews on Amazon can't be wrong!

Newborn Mom Brain

Just wanted to say that a few weeks ago, I ate sour milk.

I poured myself a bowl of cereal and milk and took a bite. It was really sour. I thought it was because the cereal had "blueberry" flavor in it--it was the spouse's cereal and not my usual stuff.

I drank the entire bowl of milk. The spouse later said he threw out the milk because it went bad.

I waited all day to throw up and feel queasy. I never did. I have a stomach of steel!

82, 83--Tue, Wed

Tuesday night you screamed in pain again at your 2am night feeding. But at least this time I was able to settle you in just 10 minutes and you were back to sleep in no time.

Nursing you 2-3 times at night is not so bad, in and of itself. It's the insomnia afterward that kills me. It's so hard to fall back asleep after being up for 45 minutes or so--sometimes walking you around, bouncing you, and generally panicking because you might get fussy.

I might have to ask your dad to do a night time feeding again. I feel bad about that though because you hate drinking from a bottle and it's really hard to settle you afterward. It takes me an hour to feed you and soothe you, whereas it'll probably take your dad 3 hours all told.

Wednesday was one of your best days ever! You were calm and happy all day long. I don't think you cried or even whimpered for a second. You ate like a little angel and you barely spit up. I thought, for a brief moment--things are getting better! Maybe you're finally turning that corner!

But then you woke up a lot at night, every 2-3 hours, to eat--culminating in a 5am screaming fit after feeding. And it was hell. Oh well.

Here's a pic of you admiring a handsome devil--you love smiling at yourself in the mirror:

81--Monday

Well, it's now 2 nights in a row that you've screamed bloody murder at night and refused to be comforted. You've always been such a peaceful nighttime eater/sleeper. What's going on?!

Last night I started to feed you at 2am and you started crying right away. I gave you some Zantac and you seemed to calm down after that, ate well, and started to drift off to sleep in my arms. But then, after dozing for about 5 minutes, you started turning your head from side to side and becoming unsettled. Before I knew it, you were fully awake and eventually, screaming.

I think it all has to do with your poor digestion. Something's not right. I plan on getting you some baby pro-biotics (acidophilus) this week at Whole Foods. Oh, please let that work! It's one thing to bounce you to sleep for 2 hours during the day, but another thing entirely to do that in the wee small hours of the night!

And, as always, some pics:

Here I am burping you, as I often do. You spit up prodigious amounts of milk--all my hard work down the drain!


Here's you as an executive baby.


And here's you as an executive baby who likes to suck on his fist for comfort.


Here's you getting some tummy time. You've improved your head-lift a lot in just a couple days! Good work out buddy.

80--Sunday

Happy First Halloween Judah!


I wanted to dress you in your Lil' Pumpkin suit yesterday, but you pooped on it! Oh well. I can't wait until this time next year. You'll be one year old and able to actually wear a costume and go trick-or-treating. How fun!

You were a lot more social at church yesterday now that you're able to stay awake for longer periods. I think you enjoyed all the attention.


On the downside, last night was brutal. I had insomnia until 3am in the morning! Then, you woke up at 4am to eat and proceeded to scream bloody murder after downing your food. You did that again at 6am too. Thank God your dad was there to soothe you while I tried to ignore your screams through my foam earplugs.

And of course, this precipitated another one of my famous tearful meltdowns.

78, 79--Fri, Sat

You seemed to have regressed a little in these last couple days. I guess it really is 2 steps forward, 3 steps back sometimes.

Your reflux has gotten worse and you scream in agony every evening around 6pm. Thankfully, it's only for 15 minutes or so (not like when you were a newborn and screamed for hours on end). And the ergo really does a great job of calming you down--that, and your baby Zantac meds.

Last night you woke up every 2 hours to eat, which was brutal and exhausting. What the heck?! You haven't been that bad of a sleeper since you were 5 weeks old! Are you going through a growth spurt? You didn't eat that much each time though. This better not be a habit from now on!

All of this has precipitated another meltdown from me (I do that a lot, apparently). I always feel like just one fussy feeding away from breaking down in tears. I guess sleeping just 4-5 hours a day in 30-45 minute increments can do that to a person! I keep wondering--when am I ever going to feel human again?!

Here's a pic of you in a mobi wrap. Thanks to the moms at the mom group for showing me how to use this. It distributes your weight better than other baby carriers, but you're still really heavy and my shoulders were burning after 10 minutes.


And here's a pic of you sort of sitting up in the boppy. I've recently become alarmed at your slow milestone developments. You can't really lift your head and you can't really sit up with support...


as this picture clearly demonstrates.

76, 77--Wed, Thu

I didn't have these photos before so I'm posting them now, but they really belong to the last post.

Here's a pic of you finding your fist to suck on:


And here are pics of the aftermath of your shots. They made you totally cranky and fussy for the rest of the day. I think they made your thighs really sore. You didn't even like your favorite activity--taking a walk in your stroller.


And you refused to be consoled even when I picked you up.


Wednesday was a sad blur. Not much happened except I felt really abandoned. It seems, by hook or crook, for many and sundry reasons, all your babysitters (paid and unpaid) have fallen by the wayside.

First, your grandma stopped coming because of another care-taking obligation. Then your auntie couldn't come for health reasons. Then the wonderful Mur couldn't come because of shift changes. And finally, the cherry on top, your 3x a week nanny suddenly went MIA this week. She simply stopped showing up! No explanation, no notice, no warning, no decency! We found her on Craigslist and I have half a mind to go on Craigslist to warn other parents about her unprofessionalism. So I've been scrambling this week--barely getting a 10 minute break here and there.

Today, Thursday we went to the mommy group again. I was so excited to go again and dressed you up in your Halloween outfit.

But, I was terrified that you'd be screaming your head off in the car (so heartbreaking). Thankfully though, you were quiet both ways! You even fell asleep on the way back! I wonder if it's because I turned up the music really loud. You seem to like Red Mountain Church music--good taste kid.


I shared with the group that I can't follow the EASY routine suggested by the Baby Whisperer. The group told me the Baby Whisperer is the devil and I should burn her book. Um...okay...but I still need a routine! What now?!

Also in group, you made a friend! You and baby Jack were babbling and smiling at each other the whole time. It's the first time you've interacted with another baby!



And lastly, a gratuitous photo because you're so darn cute:

72, 73, 74, 75--Sat, Sun, Mon, Tue

Well, it's another marathon blog entry...

Here are the highlights, let's roll 'em!

Saturday--I don't remember anything about that day, except that you started to chew on your fists. You've found your hands and are on your way to self-soothing! You've been taking short 30 minute naps and waking up with a big smile on your face. It's kind of freaking me out because you usually take 1.5 to 2 hour naps and wake up screaming for food. I don't know whether to play with you, feed you, or try to lull you back to sleep. You're definitely getting more "alert."

Sunday--This night you slept from 10pm to 5:30am!!!! I thought you died or something when you didn't wake up for your normal 2am feeding. Let's hope this becomes a habit!

Monday--You used to go down to sleep really easily after 8pm because your internal clock makes you really tired. But lately you're wide awake and we have to 'ergo' you to sleep. But more disconcerting is that you'll scream and cry after your night feedings, which you never used to do either. I'm afraid this might mean the end of your "good" nighttime behavior.

Tuesday--We went to the pediatrician's today and you got your first set of shots. You did great considering how painful they were (of course I tried to make them easier on you by breastfeeding you while you got them).




We also found out that you are now over 15 lbs and 95th percentile in weight and height! But you still have a pin-head that's only 60th percentile.

100 Days of Solitude

This is a rare post about ME, and not about Judah.

I just wanted to take a moment to record and remember what this new-mom experience has been like. For the last 70-odd days, I've often wondered aloud--WHY DID NO ONE WARN ME ABOUT THIS?!

No one warned me how hard, stressful, and life-altering (no, make that life-obliterating) having a baby would be. I mean, yes, there was cryptic advice like--sleep as much as you can before the baby comes!--but I never thought the pain would go way beyond just mere sleep deprivation.

What does it mean to care for a newborn?

It means to not eat when you're hungry, not sleep when you're tired (and not be able to fall asleep when you have the opportunity to nap), not pee when you really need to, and not scratching your nose when it itches (because any small movement will wake up the light-sleeping baby in your arms).

It means constant aching shoulders and a crick in the neck. Carpal tunnel in your hands and wrist from steadying his fussy little head while you breastfeed. And a constant achy back from lifting, holding, and sitting for 8-12 hours a day.

But, most stressful of all, it means feeling totally inadequate and unsure of what to do. When the baby cries it's hard to know if he's tired, gassy, hungry, overstimulated, under-stimulated, or just plain in a fussy mood. Why did he turn from being a good napper into a bad napper? Why was he so calm when he ate yesterday, but so fussy today? And the worst thought of all--am I doing something that's making things worse?!

There are tons of baby books and experts with contradictory advice. There's research that says one thing, and experienced caregivers that say another. It's a big tangled mess.

They say the first 100 days is the hardest and until then, every mom needs a lot of help and sympathy. I am not a jealous person, but I'm downright envious of people who have moms and extended family that can help for that rough duration--or who have the resources to hire a baby nurse.

But what really wrangles me is the thought of all those moms out there that are REALLY in need of help--isolated single moms of low socio-economic status. How in the world can they possibly survive this period and help their babies thrive? My heart goes out to all those struggling moms who have only 1 pair of hands.

71--Friday

I can't believe you're already finished with your 10th week of life!


I remember when you were just 4 or 5 days old, I thought I was going to die of exhaustion and stress before you reached 10 weeks old. 10 weeks sounded so far off and unattainable. But, by the grace of God, and the kindness of a lot of babysitters and helpers--we've arrived!

You are so much more mellow now and best of all, you're starting to smile and giggle a lot! Here's my favorite video of you giggling big time--I've never seen you have so much (truly socially interactive) fun.



We also took you on a walk in your stroller today for only the 2nd time ever. You loved it! And I loved how it really tired you out and made you really sleepy. I think 30 minute walks is going to be part of your every day routine from now on.

68, 69, 70--Tue, Wed, Thu

Where do the days go?!

On Tuesday I was despairing because you seemed to be going backwards in development and fussiness.

On Wednesday you slept the best ever! You slept for a 5 hour stretch and then a 4 hour stretch. And you weren't such a fussy eater. But you still won't nap on your own.


Today, I went to the new mom's support group and here are the highlights:

(1) You cried the entire 20 minute car ride there and back. I thought I was going to die of stress and heartache, hearing you wail and scream your head off in the backseat. Not sure I ever want to attempt that again.

(2) The moms went around in a circle sharing but I didn't really get a chance to share since I sat near the end. I felt pretty disappointed about that. But I did manage to tell the group that I'm frustrated about your naps. The facilitator looked at me like I was crazy. She said it was ridiculous to expect babies to nap on their own during the first 14 weeks of their lives. I also said I have you on a 3 hour feeding schedule and the facilitator once again thought I was crazy--she said you should be eating every 1.5 to 2 hours.

Clearly this facilitator has never read the Baby Whisperer. But her reaction made me feel better. I felt like something was wrong with you because you weren't behaving the way the Baby Whisperer said you should. This whole time I was stressed out and kicking against the goads, trying to have you nap by yourself. Now, I think I'll just embrace the fact that you need to be held for all your naps, get some good DVDs on Netflix, and just hold you while I watch them!

And maybe I'll feed you more often too...?

It's so hard to figure out how to take care of you! Why don't you come with an instruction manual?!

In other news, you started to love looking at your mobile last week!


And you love talking to me when I lay you down flat on your back.