"There is a Friend..."

A couple weeks ago I had a very special treat--a visit from my dear dear friend Mandi with her sweet little guy.

Although we hadn't really seen each other in 8 years, she's one of those friends--the kind that you just know you'll cherish for all time, no matter how far apart you live from each other.  I'll never forget how floored I was when, upon hearing that I might not have someone to watch Judah while I went into labor with Noah, she actually offered to fly up WITH HER TODDLER AND INFANT to watch Judah for me.  If that's not a Proverbs 18:24 friend, then I don't know who is (well, other than Christ of course).

One of the last times we saw each other in 2005--6 moves, 3 states, and 4 kids ago!

When Mandi and I first met eons ago (before the spouse and I were even married), we instantly clicked.  So I suppose it wasn't that surprising that our two kids would click right away when meeting each other for the first time.  Almost immediately, they hit it off--giggling, running around, just good plain ol' toddler fun.  It probably helped that they are just 3 months apart in age.

We tried to pack in as much fun as possible while not wearing out the kids too much--going to the zoo, going swimming, toodling around San Francisco. Those few days flew by and too quickly it was time to say our goodbyes.

These guys gave some great goodbye hugs and kisses to each other.

The saying goes--I left my heart in San Francisco. But in this case, a big part of my heart just left.

The Child-Free Life?

Wow Time Magazine, way to rub it in.

Ever since Noah was born I've been feeling kind of beat down by the whole "raising kids" thing.  I'm not going to lie--when I see couples with just one kid or no kids, I feel pangs of envy.

I half joke to all my friends that Judah was just entering his easy phase (after being an exhausting baby and toddler) and then we had to screw ourselves all over again by having #2.  Now here we go again with the whole exhausting ordeal--the sleep deprivation, the feeling like a hostage while nursing, the fussy crying, etc, etc.

Listen, I know babies are blessings and miracles.  I know we are lucky to have them.  They are little angels of love and sunshine, blah blah blah.  But frankly, until they reach age 3, they are also huge pains in the butt.

I'm not going to launch into a litany of all the ways I've been deprived since a child emerged from my womb since I've already documented them here and here.  But let me just say this--I actually looked forward to going into labor with Noah because it was the closest thing I've had to a vacation resort since Judah was born.

Once I checked into the hospital (aside from the whole annoying labor part), I could have 3 blissful days and 2 peaceful nights without my toddler constantly demanding, whining, crying and generally annoying me.  And all meals were provided.  I could finally just kick up my heels, put on a movie, and not get up for as long as I wanted.

In reality, the hospital stay sucked because Noah had jaundice and I had to wake up every 3 hours at night, schlep down to the NICU and nurse the kid.  But in theory, the hospital stay should've been awesome.

Anyway, to be fair to the whole parenting thing--it's probably not that bad if you have relatives nearby who can help.  But we have none of that.  I imagine it makes a big difference if you can get a break once or twice a week or even a big getaway break once or twice a year.

Nope, it's an all day every day proposition for us.  No sick days.  No vacations.  And most annoyingly, no evenings off.

So yes, I was salivating just a little bit as I browsed that magazine cover article.  And yes, I fantasize about having a child-free life.

But then I see stuff like this...

...and...it makes me want to thank someone.

The Accidental Housewife: The How and Why

I mentioned in my last post how I went back to work after my first kid and LOVED it.

Well, okay, I didn't love it, love it, but...it was so great for so many reasons. All in all, it was a positive experience.

So why am I not doing it again after kid #2?

I've been putting off writing this post mostly because I can't really answer this question very well. After mulling it around for some time, the best I can come up with is--it's an imperfect solution to an imperfect situation.

IDEALLY, I would be able to still work part-time.

Ideally, my part-time job would be interesting, stimulating, skill-building and never require me to work more than 20 hours a week (unless giving me waaaaaaay advance notice and even then, wouldn't require that many more hours). 

Ideally, my commute would be 15 minutes or less.

Ideally, I could find really cheap top-notch child care so I never worry whether my kid is languishing away somewhere being totally ignored while propped in front of a tv screen.

And since I'm shooting for the moon here, I might as well throw in other crazy wishes like peace in the Middle East, a cure for all cancers, and a pony. Seriously, I would love a pony.

In REALITY, the best I could do is to go back to work part-time at my firm knowing that the work hours are ridiculously unpredictable and completely client-driven. Whether I work 0 hours or 20 hours on any given weekend was always up in the air.

I suppose I was willing to put up with the unpredictability for a little bit with one kid. But now that I have 2 little people to juggle, somehow it just seems a bit much. Obviously if I really really really wanted to make it work, there are ways. But add to that the unending stress, the gnawing mom-guilt, and the complete lack of down-time (you're either being beat down by kids or by work), and it tipped the scale over to no-thank-you-I'll-pass land.

I decided that--You know what? I'd like to cook healthier meals for my family (a la Michael Pollan). I want to socialize more (or heck, socialize, period). I want to exercise more than twice a year. And yes, I even want a little time to myself to watch some Netflix with a bowl of ice-cream every now and then.

And that is Why.

The How is much more simple.

A lot of people wonder how we can actually survive on just the spouse's income. Well, it boils down to two factors really.

First, we are hecka cheap. We own one tiny used car, never travel anywhere, never go to movies/concerts/games/anything really, and never eat out at nice places. Wow, did I just describe the funnest people on the planet or WHAT?!

But seriously we don't really mind it. All I need to be happy is a good hiking trail and all the spouse really wants is a good book (thank you Barnes and Noble for many a happy, "free" evenings of entertainment).

Second, I've been squirreling away my Biglaw salary for five years while living like the above. And if you're at all familiar with Biglaw salaries, you know that's a lot of nuts stored up for a financial winter, so to speak. Eventually those stores will be depleted, at which point I do see myself going back to work, but for now, we're okay.

Also, I figure I'm actually "earning" a lot of dough staying home with the kids. Heck, I'm taking on the job of a full-time private nanny. The going rate for nannies in our area is about $20/hr for 2 kids, so we're talkin' bout a $40k a year imputed income I'm making! Woohoo.

All that being said, I still have a ton of misgivings about the whole SAHM thing. But that's for another post to explore. In the meantime, I'm enjoying Noah's new found ability to sit up on his own!

And to chow down on solids like a beast.

Forget the spoon mom, just dump it all in!  Noah seriously has no patience for small quantities of food.

Finally El Gordito is satisfied after 3 bowls of rice cereal and 1 cube of avocado.

And as always, pinching those nekkid chubby rolls.

Mommy just can't stand my stinkin' cuteness!

My Wonderful Wierdo

I know I'm way behind on blogging my thoughts about being a SAHM, but I just had to capture these hilarious moments with Judah before they're swallowed up by the fog of time.

First off...
Does this pic freak anyone out?

Who knew, this is Judah's worst nightmare?

Cuz seriously when Judah saw me shucking corn for the first time 2 weeks ago, he flipped out like he saw Satan himself.  He kept screaming like the exorcist, petrified by fear, until I physically removed him from the situation.

I guess whole corn can look kind of scary--it kinda looks like it has human hair...

Secondly, Judah is annoyingly obsessed with 'using' Noah's baby items.  He's always sitting in Noah's bumbo.  Always trying to climb in his walker and jumperoo.  And yesterday I walked into the kitchen to behold this abomination.

Straight up thug toddler life.

We thought it would be funny to take a picture and as we raised the camera Judah decided to flash us what appears to be his toddler gang sign.  Seriously, what is that?!  Wierdo.

Thirdly, I'm so proud that Judah verbalized his anger yesterday instead of just screaming and melting down.  He requested that I give him a spoon so he could spoon his hot chocolate into his mouth (instead of using the much more sensible lid and straw) and I said no.  Instead of crying, he said calmly, with tears welling up in his eyes, "Mommy, you make me mad."

Wow, what emotional control!  Of course I had to reward that by letting him drink his hot chocolate the way he wanted to.  And of course he made a mess.  At which point I said, "Judah, you make me mad!"

Lastly, this picture has nothing to do with anything.  It's just a typical moment in the life of a mom.  Half the time someone, somewhere is having a melt down.

Me and my naked post-bath angry bird.

P.S. Notice the lack of blue in Judah's clothing? This week he finally outgrew his "police" clothes fetish. After 6 months of only wanting to wear his police t-shirt and police pants, he woke up one day and picked out different clothes. And said "Mommy, I want new clothes." Ah, the end of an era.

The Accidental Housewife: The Plunge

Well, I finally did it.

I took the plunge, called my firm today and told them I'm not coming back from maternity leave.  I'm now officially a stay-at-home mom (SAHM).

I've been wanting to write about this decision (or my vacillating indecision) for a long time now but I didn't want any rumors to leak out to the firm.  I wanted my partner to be the first one to know.  And now that giant sucking sound you hear is the virtual removal of my self-imposed gag order.  SSSSSSSSSSSLURP!

Ironically, now that the gag order is removed, I don't know what to say.

Where do I begin?  How does one go about describing the multitude of contradictory and perhaps politically incorrect and controversial feelings that have been roiling around oneself for several months, maybe even years?  This could be one long-ass blog post.

So maybe I'll just break it up into a series of posts.

For now, I'll say this.  No one is more surprised than I am to be a SAHM.  My own mom worked a full-time job every day until she retired in her 60's and I just assumed that was normal and that I would do the same.  After having my first kid, I went back to work after maternity leave and loved it.  In fact I believe it was my saving grace.  Work gave me a much needed break from childcare and the intellectual stimulation and adult socialization that I so badly craved.

Lots of studies show that working moms are much happier than SAHMs and experience a lot less anger and sadness.

So why am I staying home now?  Gulp.  What have I done?

Honestly, I don't know.  But as I contemplate this question for the next blog post, here's one compelling reason for staying at home--squeezing these chubby rolls all day long.

Week...I don't know anymore

Now that Noah's almost 6 months I think it's probably time to retire recounting his age in weeks.

I can't believe we've made it this far!

Life has gotten considerably easier with Noah.  He naps only 2-3 times a day now (instead of 3-4) and has mostly figured out how to sleep on his own.  Every few days he forgets and we have to 're-teach' him, but he's a little quicker on the uptake each time.

Usually Noah just sits in the Bumbo while I putz around the kitchen cooking and cleaning.  He's really into grabbing objects and putting them in his mouth now (like every normal 5 month old).  And just yesterday, he refused to recline in his car-seat/stroller so we put him upright.  He's not quite strong enough to sit upright but he sure wants to!

Judah was very proud of Noah sitting upright and shouted to our neighbor "My baby brother sitting up like a big boy!"  Our neighbor had no idea what Judah was saying.  Why is it that only parents can figure out what their toddlers are saying?

As for Noah's eye infection, we saw a dermatologist who prescribed some steroid cream.  It's been working really well so I have high hopes that we'll lick this thing for good soon.  Yay steroids!

Judah, Singer/Songwriter

Move over Taylor Swift, there's a new singer/songwriter in town.

Yesterday Judah just sang his first original composition.  I've heard him sing songs before, but never heard him make up his own lyrics, so of course I HAVE to note this major milestone.

First, a little background.  Judah loves his G.I. Joe motorcycle toy (which he sometimes mistakenly calls "B.I. Joe").  And we taught him the catchy song that goes with it--G.I. Joe, a real American hero!

Judah's been singing that little jingo all week and suddenly, yesterday added on a few lines of his own.  This is exactly how he sings it:

G.I. Joe, the real American hero,
He 'posed to see the baby
The baby 'posed to see the big boy
The big boy 'posed to see the cow
The cow 'posed to see the garbage man
The garbage man 'posed to see the fireman
The fireman 'posed to see the police

Um, yeah, we're totally ready for that Grammy nomination.

On the Can

Typical conversation while Judah takes a dump on the toilet:

Judah: Mommy, it stinks, open the window.
Me: Okay
Judah: Mommy, leave, I need privacy!

Wow, when did Judah morph into the spouse?  All he needs to do to complete the transformation is ask me to bring him the latest issue of Time magazine.

Major Milestones for Everyone

Exciting developments have been happening in the Chung house (unfortunately none of them have to do with better sleep).

First, at just 5 months and 1 week of age, Noah has cut his first tooth!  Yesterday I felt a little sharp ridge when Noah chomped down on my finger.  I shouted "Noah has a tooth!" excitedly and Judah, apparently my herald, carried the news far and wide around the house shouting "Noah got his first tooth!  Noah got a tooth!"  Well that explains all the recent bad sleeping and endless crying--teething pain!

Judah revels in Noah's first tooth--or maybe he's just slipping him another booger.

Second, about 2 months ago, Judah started wearing underwear.  It happened so nonchalantly I hardly noticed it, but in retrospect, I suppose it's quite the big deal.

The kid is potty-trained, but he still doesn't know how to "smile" like a normal person.

One day, I just sensed that Judah was ready.  I know that sounds totally unscientific, but I just got the feeling that he could tell me that he needed to pee before he did it.  After all, the dude has been preemptively telling me he had to poop since he was 18 months old (and basically hasn't pooped in his diaper since then).   So of course he could tell me about the urge to pee.

I had held off on "pee-training" for a while out of sheer convenience and not wanting to use public bathrooms, but I felt like it was finally time.  I guess, to be more accurate about the whole thing, I got the feeling that I was ready to have Judah "pee-trained."

Anyway, the first day he had 3 accidents and basically no more after that.  I bought a bunch of blue "police" underwear and we haven't looked back since.  Yay Judah!

Thirdly, Noah started solids this week.  Frankly, I'm not sure he was ready, but after him waking up multiple times at night, I was desperate to stuff his gullet with something more filling in hopes that he would sleep longer.  And besides, he's 5 months, it can't hurt.  At first he just kept pushing out the food with his tongue, but slowly I think he's getting the hang of it.

Fourthly, Noah is now locomotive!  Nope, he hasn't learned to crawl.  But he has learned to roll himself around, over and over again, so that he can end up on the opposite side of the room from where I put him down.  Not super impressive, but hey, my first baby didn't move himself until 10 months old (while standing and cruising) so it's impressive for a Chung baby!

Judah and Noah practice a scene from Adele's Chasing Pavements music video.

Noah can't yet roll away fast enough to avoid Judah's kisses.

And lastly, a milestone for mommy.  Recently, something has shifted inside of me from "have to" to "get to."  One day this week I just woke up and instead of feeling my usual dread and unwillingness to face the day, I felt...lucky.  Lucky to spend the day with a hilarious (but still moody and petulant) toddler and a cute, chubby (but still poor-sleeping and way-too-heavy) baby.

I'll probably explore this subtle, but tectonic shift in a later post, but for now, I'll just say this: Life is (still hard, but) surprisingly good.

Yeah, we really need to work on Judah's smile.

Nuking Noah

Tomorrow I start Noah on his first (and hopefully last) round of oral antibiotics.  I feel kinda sick to my stomach about this.

Ever since I read an article by Michael Pollan in NYT Magazine about the importance of good gut bacteria, I've been loathe to use antibiotics.  (Btw, I highly recommend this article to everyone--one of the best, most fascinating, paradigm-shifting articles I've ever read).

But, alas, the topical antibiotic ointment hasn't been working and the risk of Noah's eye skin infection spreading to his actual eyeball outweighs the risk of nuking his good bacteria.

Hopefully this treatment works and we won't have to do another round of even stronger antibiotics.  We'll find out in a week.  Fingers crossed!

BFFs

My greatest hope and dream, as a mother, is that my two boys will be best friends.

So it warms the cockles of my heart to see them interact, though it isn't often.  But once in a while Judah will take an interest in his baby brother and want to hug or kiss him or bring him toys.

Judah petting his 'pet'.

For now, the interactions are well-intentioned but a little violent.  Judah bonks Noah on the head or pokes him in the eye with toys.  When playing peek-a-boo with a burp cloth Judah looks like he's smothering Noah to death.  And last week I walked into the room to Judah's voice calling out "Mommy, Noah ate my booger!"

Judah feeding his 'pet'.  Thankfully, not boogers this time.

I read that the sibling relationship depends largely on the older sibling.  If he/she tries to include the younger sibling in various activities and makes an effort to interact, the relationship will generally go well.  I'm hopeful that's the case with Judah.

He already said that Noah can wear his police 'uniforms,' his most cherished possession, when Noah gets older.  And if that's not inclusion, I don't know what is.  I hope Noah likes the color blue!

A Heart Full of Love (and Batman)

Judah is totally exasperating but there's no denying he's got a very sweet side.

I just have to record all the sweet things he says regularly and spontaneously:
--Let's cuddle together!  (As he jumps into my bed)
--I love you thiiiiis much!  (While raising his arms to the ceiling)
--I love you in the whole world!  (Pretty sure he means "the most")
--Big hug!  Kiss!  (And of course I kiss him on the lips to catch all his germs)

Usually when we pray at night Judah says "Thank you God for my batman, robin, batcave, bat elevator, bat mobile, bat light, penguin vehicle, joker house, amen!"  Materialistic much?

But he surprised me today by adding "Thank you God for my family."

Awwwwww.

I Should Change My Blog Name to Debbie in Downerland

I can't believe it's been almost 2 weeks since my last blog entry.  To be honest I've been avoiding blogging because there's really nothing good to say.  And you know what your mother would say--if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all.

But I suppose it's worth noting the hum-drum and the glum, if only for posterity's sake.

Noah's eye infection is driving me crazy.  It had all but completely cleared up 2 days ago, but just yesterday flared up again.  Today it looks as bad as ever.  ARGH.

Also frustrating is that Noah has seemed to have completely lost the ability to sleep on his own.  It's as if I've never sleep-trained the guy.  Good grief.  And he's been crying a lot in his car seat for no discernible reason.

And he's heavy.  Really, achy, my-body-is-breaking-down-carrying-this-guy kind of heavy.  Eighteen pounds.  That's like Thanksgiving turkey.  But this turkey jerks around and can't support his own torso.

Heck yeah I'm only 4 months but wearing a onesie for an 18 month old. 95th percentile biatches.

So here's a snapshot of what goes on in my head on a typical day--ugh Noah is crying and not napping, ugh Noah's eye looks like a horror show, ugh Noah is awake but cranky because he didn't nap well, ugh time to put Noah down for another nap and hear him cry, ugh Noah isn't nursing well, ugh Noah is crying like crazy in his car seat, ugh Noah is so fussy, rinse and repeat.

To be honest, Noah isn't really a 'hard' baby.  He's quite average.  But I've come to realize that I just suck at being a baby caretaker.  My temperament seems to be the exact wrong one for enjoying babydom.  I hate unpredictability.  I hate not being in control.  I hate uncertainty.  And I absolutely hate the sound of crying.

I may not be perfect, but my HAIR is perfect.  You gotta give me that.

The spouse, a paragon of eternal sunshine and optimism, keeps telling me to stop being such a pessimist.  The glass is half full!  Noah's eye is going to get better because at least now we know the medicine can work.  Noah learned to sleep on his own so he can learn it again.  Everything's going to be great and fine and things are always looking up!

Gosh it must be nice to be an optimist.  What I wouldn't give to live inside his head for just an hour!

Baby Hell

Well, just when I thought things were getting better, life (aka, Noah) throws a big fat old ugly crying wrench at me.

All of a sudden, he's been crying his head off instead of sleeping as if he never learned to sleep in his crib.  Last night, I actually let him cry for 2 hours in his crib before finally rescuing him.  TWO HOURS!  Judah never cried that long when I sleep-trained him--45 minutes tops.  But Noah has the stamina of a team of wild horses, apparently.  The dude cried like he was being dipped in battery acid for TWO HOURS and probably would've kept going if I had the heart to let him.

In general, Noah's napping/sleeping has deteriorated to the point where I absolutely dread nap times and bedtimes.  At some point I know I will be asking myself to make the impossible choice--pick him up and risk 'spoiling' him or let him cry for a long time and feel myself shrivel up and die.

Noah and his horrible eye infection.

To make matters worse, whenever Noah cries for a long time his eye infection gets much much worse.  In general, his eye is not getting any better and it's making me beyond frustrated and sad.  It looks so flaming angry and red after a big cry session--like something that spawned from the evil of Mordeth in Shadar Logoth (so sue me, I'm a fantasy nerd going through the Wheel of Time series while I'm waiting for G.R.R. Martin to take his sweet honey time finishing Book 7-9 of Game of Thrones.  Any day now Martin!)

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah, hell.  Baby hell.  A land where everyone's tired and cranky but nobody sleeps.  Ever.

Population: me.

Ramblings of the Sleep-Deprived

I'm tired.

Bone. Tired.

Everyday I fall about an hour more behind in my sleep deficit.  This entire week was full of crap sleep.  I usually have a couple hours of insomnia each night, but yesterday Noah decided to wake up and cry his ever-loving head off no less than 6 times in the night.  Ugh.

However much Noah deprives me of rest, he more than makes up in chubbiness.  That sentence doesn't really make sense.  I'm tired.

I really think having babies is a young person's game.  I'm just too old for this no-sleep sh*t.  I think once you hit 30+ you just can't live off 5 hours of sleep like you could in your early twenties.

I remember my good ol' college days--clubbing until 2:30 am and then stumbling to class at 8 am and feeling just fine and dandy.  But now.  Oh man, if I don't get at least 7.5 hours I'm in a world of hurt.

But Noah's not the only one causing us to lose sleep.  Judah has gotten into a new phase of being scared at night.  He wakes up around 2 or 3 am and screams his head off until one of us drags him into our room to sleep with us.  And once there he proceeds to squirm around and kick us a couple times every hour.  Joy.

So, in short, we are tired.

So tired in fact that we actually had this very pathetic conversation last week.

Spouse: If you could magically push a button and make our kids painlessly disappear, would you?

Me: Isn't that like...murder?

Spouse: No...I said "disappear."

Me:  Isn't that like what the mafia says when they want someone murdered?  'Disappear', 'taken care of', 'sleep with the fishes'?

And then we just had to laugh at how sad our lives had become.  Of course we love our kids and couldn't imagine life without them.

But yeah, if I had a magic button, I would totally press it from 10 pm to 8 am in the morning.

Week 17 and 18

Today Noah had his 4 month check up.  He's still hitting his percentile curves exactly--95th percentile in weight, 90th percentile in height and 50th percentile in his pee-wee head.  That's my boy.

His main medical issues are some dry skin around his eyes that may have gotten infected and some major eczema all over his body.  Not a big deal as medical issues go.

Noah and his puffy red eye condition.

Throughout the appt Noah kept demonstrating his amazing athleticism by continually rolling onto his tummy and grabbing the stethoscope with a baby death-grip.  Show-off.

Finally started sitting in the Bumbo last week (yes, I know it's supposed to be on the floor)

Life with Noah is getting slowly easier although it really is hard to roll with the punches.  I STILL can't figure out his routine from day to day.  Sometimes he naps for 40 min and sometimes it's 2 hours.  It's pretty impossible to predict.  And then just when I think I have things figured out, of course it changes.

Ah babies, they sure keep you on your toes.

One Brief Shining Moment

Lately Judah has been turning into a super-whiny and irritating guy.

He is really into changing his mind a thousand times--I want juice, no I don't want juice, no I WANT juice, no I DON'T want juice, etc.

And anytime things don't go his way (which is a lot--no lunch! no dinner! no nap! no bedtime! no leaving the park! no going inside! no going outside!) this demon face is sure to rear its ugly head:

So let's just say Mother's Day was no picnic for me.  Or, as my friend put it--every day is mother's day!  Ha ha ha ha.

But there was one shining moment today that I will hold on to forever in my memory bank of treasures.  I was getting ready for church in the morning, wearing a dress (which is rare for me), and had just pulled my hair back in a pony-tail (also rare), when I hear Judah's little voice behind me saying,

"Mommy, you look like a princess!"

What?  Wow, I never hear that word.  All day, every day I only hear about policemen, robbers, batman, robin, jokerman, and the occasional fireman.  So of course it made me feel...like a princess.

And I can think of no better mother's day gift than that.

The Meaning of Mother's Day

Judah brought home some mother's day gifts he made at daycare.

The best kind of bouquet--lasts forever!

Silly little things but it made my heart swell with joy.

So cute and a wee bit drooly.

He said, "It's for Mother's Day," so I asked him what Mother's Day means.

And he replied "It's for loving you."

Man they teach him well at that daycare!

Week 15 and 16

We are slowly, ever so slowly inching our way out of the deep dark hole called "having a newborn."

Noah's congestion has cleared up a lot in the last couple weeks, which makes me think he probably just had a lingering cold.  Phew.  Of course, being the control-freak that I am, I'm already wondering how I can prevent another horrible cold from happening to Noah--probably nothing more than I'm already doing.

Also nap-training is getting a tiny bit better.  Noah will now sleep a solid 45 min - 2 hours with only a couple minutes of crying.  Much improved but some days are still better than others.

And I met a couple more mom friends in my neighborhood so I don't feel as isolated as before.  One of them even invited us to her son's birthday party last week which was a major highlight for Judah.

Things have improved so much we even went on our first fun family outing in 4 months--a trip to the zoo of course.

Judah takes a rare break from his police attire to put on his "fireman" uniform.

Judah asked if the super-croc was "real" and got me tripped up explaining fake fossils for extinct animals.  Brain melt.

Obviously he had to drive the fire engine since he was a fireman that day.

This, ladies and gents, is what pure joy looks like.

But don't get me wrong, things are far from perfect still.  I still curse the mornings (but more so because of sleep-deprivation than not having the will to live).  I still miss Judah like crazy when he's away at daycare (even though I know I still don't have the energy to handle him more at home).  And we still have nursing issues--I won't bore you with the details but let's just say plugged ducts suck.

But despite all that, I find myself falling head over heals in love with my fat goober more every day.  It's amazing how different brothers can be.  At this age, Judah was so visually curious and wanted to see everything that he only wanted to sit in the Bumbo.  His core muscles became freakishly strong and he sat upright really early on.

Noah on the other hand is perfectly content to be in his reclining bouncey chair and can't sit in the Bumbo at all.  But he LOVES tummy time.  Noah is always trying to roll onto his tummy and once there, can actually lift his butt high in the air and inch forward.  OMG he's almost crawling!!!!!

I think we have a crawler finally!!!!

I'm allowed to be over-excited because Judah never learned to crawl.  He detested tummy time and went straight from sitting to standing to walking.  That guy had no patience for being close to the ground.

My two boys are so different in so many ways (though physically they're pretty similar--big and fat with a little head).  And I couldn't possibly love them more.

And What the Police Gonna Say?

For the last 2-3 months Judah has been obsessed with being a policeman.

 He refuses to wear anything that isn't blue because he wants to always be in "uniform."  He especially loves the "police" t-shirt in the picture so much that I finally just bought 2 more so we could avoid the inevitable epic meltdowns when the shirt had to be washed.  (If you look closely at my last few blog entries, you can see this shirt in almost every pic of Judah).

Judah imagines he's being a good policeman by helping wash dishes.

But dressing like a policeman is not good enough for Judah anymore.

Now he wants to know every aspect of their lives and whether his life comports with that.  Almost everything I say to him is followed by a question about police.

For example, I'll say, "Do you need to go potty?"
And Judah responds, "Do police go potty?"

Or I'll put some mac 'n' cheese in front of him and he asks, "Do police eat mac 'n' cheese?"
He still hasn't realized the uncanny coincidence that the police love eating everything that mommy has happened to put in front of him--especially turkey and broccoli.

But by far the most annoying thing is Judah's need to gauge how a policeman would respond to any given situation.  About 500x a day Judah wants to know "What the police gonna say?"

For example, I'll say "Listen to mommy or you're going to get a time out."  And Judah will say "And what the police gonna say to me?"

I usually just turn it into a kind of morality tale--"Umm, the police are going to say--you better listen to your mommy or else you're going to jail."

But other times, it's just so random.  Today I said "You love eating mangoes!" after watching him inhale several mango pieces.  And Judah said "And what the police gonna say?"

What?  The police don't give a rat's butt about how you love eating mangoes.  Weirdo.

Instead, I mumbled something about how eating mangoes will make you stronger so you can catch the robbers.

That's what my life has become--a constant attempt to imagine what the police are going to say to my 2 year old in any given situation.

Wetness

I just have to note that this is the grossest period of Judah's life so far.

I realize now that poop and pee I have no problem with.

But what totally grosses me out is drool and snot--which, sadly, oozes out of Judah in abundance.  The boy does not seem capable of keeping his saliva in his mouth.  When he gets excited, when he's talking, when he's eating, frankly, anytime of the day, large puddles of drool form below him.

And the snot.  The endless snot.  Ever flowing and getting wiped all over his crusty face.  And to make matters worse, Judah's really into picking his nose now.  At all times of the day the boy is busy digging for gold.

It's gotten so bad I actually reflexively recoil when he wants to hug me.  I'll make a mad dash for the nearest paper towel, wipe down his face, and then give him a hug.  And even then I usually end up with some giant wet spot on my shirt, or God forbid, on my arm if I'm wearing something sleeveless.  Eeeeeeew.

But Noah doesn't seem to mind.  Shortly after this picture was taken I saw a long string of drool travel from Judah's mouth down to Noah's hair.

I really can't explain this.

I was horrified but Noah was all, eh, no big deal.

Another reason why babies are awesome.

The Not-so-well Checkup

Recently we went to the peds for Noah's 3 month well-check.

Turns out he's the same percentile as his 2 month self--16 lbs (95th) in weight, 25 inches (75-90th) in height, and 40 inches (50th) in head circumference.

Judah tagged along and felt like a very big-boy helper. I guess he's at that stage where he wants to "help" with everything.  Half the things he says now is "I can help you!"

He especially wanted to make sure he was there to comfort Noah when it was time for shots. But when the big moment came Judah folded like a cheap suit in pain and sympathy, awwwwww.  I ended up having to comfort Judah who was much more shell-shocked than Noah.

Two babies crying from shots--one of them vicariously.

My most pressing question for the doc was--why is Noah's nose so stuffed? The last week and a half have been so torturous with no end in sight. The doctor said it was probably back to back colds compounded by unusually small nasal passages. If the problem doesn't get better in two weeks we could get an x-ray if we wanted.

This was not the answer I hoped for (wait and see, nothing to do) so I got a second opinion from the urgent care doctor, who basically told me the same thing again.

Meanwhile I've been referring to Noah as the little buzz-saw or baby Darth Vader. Either way, it kinda sucks.

Weeks 12, 13 and 14

Wow, I've really fallen off the blogging wagon (which is ironic because I actually have a ton of thoughts I want to blog about--mom guilt, being a stay-at-home mom, how totally incompetent I feel everyday, etc.)

Okay, time to get back on it with new resolve--more blog entries from now on!

Anyway, here's the monster recap of the last 3 weeks:

Week 12--Got depressed because of my lack of social interaction.  Staying home with the baby all day is beyond boring but he's still too fussy and unpredictable to take out on an outing.

I rock the tummy-time head and chest lift.  Check it out ladies.

Week 13--Got depressed because Noah suddenly got crazy congested and couldn't breathe (and the congestion is so deep in his nose that there's no snot to suck out).  I didn't think he had a cold since he had no other symptoms and as I mentioned in my previous post, I've been catching ALL the germs from Judah so Noah should be immune.  Anyway, no breathing from baby means really poor nursing, which means plugged ducts and the imminent threat of mastitis.  AND really poor sleeping, for him and me.  UGH.

I was looking forward to discussing Noah's nose at his next dr's visit but then I lost track of the time and missed the appointment.  That was the final straw.  I bawled my eyes out and cursed to the heavens.

I may look calm but I seriously can't breathe!

Week 14--Noah is still congested.  I've been continuing his nap training (i.e., letting him cry and cry and cry and try to figure out how to nap in his crib without any human assistance) and see only the slightest signs of improvement.  He still cries like crazy for long periods and it still makes me want to shrivel up and die for every minute of his crying.

Noah being comforted by dad after another bad nap-training session.  He fought the mattress...and lost.

So there you have it--the trifecta of mommy misery--social isolation, nap-training, and bad congestion.

But, nevertheless, there are such amazingly sweet moments as Noah blossoms socially.  It's impossible to describe how intoxicating his little smiles and giggles are--I seriously daydream about them as I drift off to sleep.

For all the clouds and shadows, for all the blues and bruises, and head-achy tired days, things are definitely getting better as Noah gets older.  I mean, they have to, right?

Catching Microscopic Live Grenades

I have been a germaphobe all my life.

There's nothing I hate more than being/getting sick.

Yes, I'm that crazy lady that touches door handles only with my sweater pulled over my hands.  And I punch elevator buttons with the tip of my pinky.  And I wince when I have to use 'public' pens, like at the doctor's office, and I will hold the pen awkwardly at the highest possible point because that's where most people won't touch it.

But now, because I have a toddler that goes to daycare (read: cesspool of human decay and all unholy things), I run toward germs (i.e., my toddler) like someone catching a live grenade.

As soon as Judah comes home, I rush over to him and try to get him to kiss me full on the lips.  Mmmmm, love the taste of germy germs.  Sorry, Judah, it's not cuz mommy loves you so much as it's mommy trying ON PURPOSE to catch your germs.

Why?

Because I'm desperately trying to protect Noah from getting sick.  Hopefully my body will make the requisite antibodies and Noah will be the beneficiary of them through my breast milk--mother nature's ingenious way of protecting helpless little infants.

When Noah was just 6 weeks old he caught a bug from Judah and life was miserable for about 2 weeks.  Noah couldn't breathe (and therefore could barely nurse) and yet needed to nurse more frequently for comfort and fluids.  Argh.

All this to say, yet another reason why motherhood sucks.  I will be running to catch every god-forsaken disease my toddler brings home for at least another few months.  And, BONUS, I can't take any comforting medication to ease my horrible symptoms for fear of it passing through my breast milk.

Oy vey.

Weeks 10 and 11

The bane of my existence is Noah's naps.

The guy seems to want to sleep all the time, BUT he will only sleep if you're holding him and rocking/bouncing him.

I've been doing some nap-training but Noah doesn't seem to get the message.  I'll put him down in the crib drowsy but awake and he'll cry for about 7 minutes and then I'll think, wonderful, he's finally sleeping.  But every 20 minutes, like clockwork, he wakes up and cries bloody murder anywhere from 8-30 minutes (he could probably cry longer if I left him in there longer).

Dr. Evil could not devise a more painful torture than NOT napping.

This has been going on for weeks now and I'm at my wits' end.  Not to mention my last nerve.  I don't think there's any worse sound than to hear your baby crying and wailing interminably.  I swear I would go through labor all over again, if only that would guarantee he could be an easy napper.  Nap training is THAT painful.

You're cute and all but you suck at napping.

So naturally, the question arises--if nap training is that abysmal, why not just hold him for his naps?  I totally would, but he has rejected all 'easy' methods of holding.  I used to be able to pop him in the ergo carrier and bounce him to sweet oblivion, but just last week he's completely rejected it!  It seems Noah has rejected all forms of holding EXCEPT the most energy-intensive--straight up holding in your arms and bouncing on the ball.  Sorry kid, but you're nearly 15 pounds.  There is no way I'm going to do this for 90 minutes, 4 times a day.

Big and beautiful--with a small side of butt rash.

My one hope and consolation is that Noah will finally learn to self-soothe better after 12 weeks.  All the baby books seem to say that the post-3 month period is a magical time for baby development.  Well, it better be cuz...I don't even want to think about the alternative.

To be fair, Noah really is a very happy, easy-going baby when he's not cranky tired from being unable to nap.  If only we can get the nap-thing down, I can finally get him on a routine and meet other stay-at-home moms.  I'm starting to get that really sad, isolated, lonely, bored, itchy feeling now that I've basically been staying home all day with a baby for nearly 3 months.

I love my pudgy peanut...most of the time.

But not all things are gloom and doom here.  I am enjoying Noah's emerging baby smiles and "conversations."  It's so fun as he wakes up from his sleepy newborn phase.  I love when our eyes lock and we smile and giggle at each other--ahhhhhhhh such sweet, total and utter bliss.