Pixie My Heart

It was bound to happen eventually.

I think most people have already long succumbed to her charms, so it was only a matter of time before I jumped on the I-have-a-huge-crush-on-Natalie-Portman bus.

What pushed me over the edge? Two things. Ok, 3.

First, you never see her. I'm surfing celebrity gossip blogs day and night but there's never any whiff of the lovely Ms. Portman. She's certainly never doing anything tacky or inane, but she doesn't even appear on the radar mostly!

That's discreet, subtle, crush-worthy. Humility is underrated, especially in Hollywood.

And Natalie is so much classier than her much-toted counterpart, Scarlett Johansson. They're both known for being more mature than your typical starlett, but ScarJo is like the low-rent, lamer version.

Second, Natalie's brilliant.

And third, I saw her on Project Runway this week as a guest judge and she could not BE anymore adorable. She was humble, sweet, insightful, kind, unaffected, real, genuine, sincere, articulate...need I go on? I saved it on my tivo just to watch her talk about fabric and fashion over and over again. Sigh...so lovely.

Natalie for president!

Eek!

I almost wet myself when I saw my blog counter.

3 days until the bar?!?!

Ambivalent

I'll never forget learning the meaning of "ambivalent" in junior high. Or was it elementary school? Or was it high school?

Ok, so I forgot the context of learning the word, but I remember the actual learning part!

It was memorable because it was the first time a vocab lesson cleared up a major misconception for me. Amibvalent does not mean (what I thought it did) that you're like, "eh, whatever, I don't care about the outcome either way, I'm ambivalent"

It means you feel *very* strongly about both opposite points of the spectrum. Like when a guy has to choose between a blonde and a cute brunette. Who do I marry? On one hand, Cindy is so cute and blonde and perky. But on the other hand, Lisa is so mature, and proper, and brunette.

Well I'm ambivalent about taking the bar. On one hand, it's like YES! GET IT OVER WITH! BREATH AGAIN! LIVE AGAIN! LOVE AGAIN! LAUGH AGAIN!

And on the other hand, it's like, no, please, no, please please don't make me go through with this...

But then again, I would really really really LOVE to get this over with.

But then again, I would really really really LOVE to have more time to study...

The End is Near

And it's time to get HARD CORE.

I mean really hard core.

I've disabled my internet AND
deleted solitaire from microsoft games!

Now every. Hour. Counts.

Unfortunately I wasted a half hour perusing the previous years' exam subjects, trying to figure out which subjects I might be able to "skip" studying. Risky, but it's a risk I just may have to take...

Community Property was tested the last two times in a row, probably won't pop up for my exam, right?

It's triage time baby.

Fear Itself

I'm realizing now that by far the most important aspect of the bar exam is psychology.

And I think I'm losing that mind game.

I'm a pessimist, a worst-case-scenario kind of person. Aren't all lawyers?

The old joke the profs told us in lawschool was: Why are you all not in business school?

Ans: Because you're risk averse!

And there is a lot of truth to that, at least in my case. I am uber-uber-risk averse. I seriously *feel* in my gut that I'm failing when I get below 85%. Michael rolls his eyes everytime I predict gloom and doom because time and again, the event passes with such wide margins of error, you could drive a semi through it.

But still...the mind plays games on you.

After all, I barely passed the MPRE.

And I keep failing those damn BarBri essays.

And people do fail...even those from great lawschools, like the former Dean of Stanford.

Because ultimately, it's not a test of intelligence, but a test of guts. How well can you control The Fear?

I have half a mind to check into a meditation clinic the last week before the exam and learn some deep-breathing and visualization techniques. Who needs to know the finer points of law when a mind-freeze could blow everything?

Our last BarBri lecturer told us to practice visualization exercises:

"Imagine you're having dinner, watching some tv. You go to bed, you're nervous and can't fall asleep...but eventually you do. You wake up refreshed, you go to the testing site, etc."

I'm not sure this technique is so great for me. As I start visualizing, my heart beats really fast and my stomach clenches, and I have to pull the plug on this mind experiment before I get a full on panic attack! Not the kind of behavioral reinforcement I want to create!

How do you deal with fear?

Have a Nice Day!

If clothes could talk, that's what this number would say...

Meanwhile, I'm counting down the days until I can finally have a nice day. Check out my bar countdown counter to the right. ----->

p.s. The more I stare at her dress (Colin Firth's wife), the more I like it! As hideous as it is, you can't say she doesn't have cajones, chutzpah, and a whopping-sized helping of humor. I bet she's a really funny/fun person...in a dry, witty, British way. I can "see" why Colin married her. Ha!