Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Every Day

Every day Noah wakes me up at 6:30 am, screaming as if someone is choking the lifeblood out of him. His wake up times have risen steadily over the last month and I'm afraid he'll start waking at 6:00 am soon if I go to him immediately when he cries. And so I wait until 7:00 am to relieve him, the whole time, my bones aching with stress and sadness at the sound of my wailing child. "Good" morning.

The bane and boon of my existence--all joy and no fun.

Every day I face a mountain of dishes. And I heroically tackle that mountain, only to find another, even higher mountain materialize after lunch. I tackle that one with all the spare time I can muster. And then I tackle the Mount Everest of them all after dinner. I've learned that emptying the dish drying rack is just as crucial as washing dirty dishes. And surprisingly, it takes just as long.

Every day I look at piles of laundry in various stages of unwash and feel defeated.

Every day I rack my brain trying to figure out what to feed Judah, The Pickiest Eater on Earth. Noah is not a great eater either. Whenever meal time rolls around I have a mini-panic attack.

Every day Noah naps for 40 minutes and then cries indefinitely until I hold him for the rest of his 2-hour nap time. Of course I can't be holding him for an hour and 20 minutes each day so I let him cry. And again I feel like dying a thousand miserable deaths.

Every day I look around the house and frown at all the things that are not in their rightful place. Why is my toothbrush on the couch? How did Noah's shoe get under the kitchen table? All the upstairs things are downstairs and the downstairs things are upstairs. And I ask myself The Question--is it worth the effort to set it right only to have the kids mess it up again in an hour or so?

Every day I look at the dry rough patches and open sores on Noah's body--where his lower ears connect to his face, his chin area, his knees and calves, his feet and hands, the back of his neck--due to his eczema and I feel like a failure. Each rough patch whispers silent condemnation--you've failed. You've failed to cream him as much as you should. You've failed to figure out the right combo of creams to use. You've failed to adequately care for your baby. But the worst feelings of failure by far is when I open up his diaper to find that a huge, slightly acidic dump has started to eat away at his skin because I didn't know he had a dirty diaper for God knows how long. You'd think I would smell those suckers from a mile away, but I have honestly lost my sense of smell.

Every day I am doing house chores, washing, cleaning, picking up, setting right, activities up until my 10:30 pm bedtime.

Every day I feel like an over-educated domestic servant.

Every day I pray for sleep. And I thank God for mercy. I thank God I got through another day in which I did not too badly emotionally scar my kids (I think, I hope) by yelling my head off and shaking with rage at the end of what always feels like a looooooooong day.

Every day my will is thwarted. My desires are frustrated. My ability to have any meaningful control over my day is mocked. I have mini-tantrums and seethe that I never get my way.

And I feel like a stone being pummeled and worn down by the massive, unrelenting, magnificent ocean waves. And I am changing...into what, I do not yet know.


CP said...

Ok, not a stay at home mom but almost all of theseresonated with me. the only diff I guess is I get an eight hour reprieve to sit at a desk and talk to adults (and feel guilty from afar). I can tell you are such a loving and giving mom. I think the key is to let things go, release feelings of guilt knowing you are doing your best and NO ONE can love your kids the way you do, and just try to enjoy things more. easier said than done, I'm sure, especially coming from a non control/non organized person!

Anonymous said...

Go get some help. I agree that your blog shows you do nothing but love and care for your children. Talking to someone will help you put things in perspective and help teach you to let up on yourself.

chon76 said...

I can so relate to where you are right now and can only say that things got easier for me in the past year (my kids are 7 and 4). FINALLY, some relief. But it's still difficult. I did make a conscious effort to do things that made me more than "mom" and that has helped tremendously. I'm a lurking fan of your blog and Ashley's aunt :) Hi!

Alice in Wonderland said...

CP--Thanks as always for your awesome comments. It's nice to know I'm not a lone and to feel affirmed. If it's one thing I'm learning it's to let go and not have to have control. But most days it feels like the only thing I'm letting go of is sanity, ha ha ha.

Anon--Yes, others have echoed that sentiment. It's def on my to do list!

Chon76--Hi Ashley's aunt! I'm so glad to hear things do get easier!!! That totally made my day.