Saturday, July 12, 2014

This was meant to be light, oh well

Dear Diary,

I should be going to bed now but...I feel like talking to someone, so, yeah.

Unfortunately, you're not a real diary and this is a sorta public forum so I can't really spill all my uncensored guts, but I can tell you this.

I'm still not used to taking care of my kids all day. Being a stay-at-home mom is still hard. Noah still has times when he screams and cries the entire car trip home (for no apparent *good* reason). Judah has all kinds of ridiculous phobias that defy logic and strip me of sanity. And I still can barely hear myself think when the kids are around.

I fantasize about the day when Noah is 2.5. No more stranger anxiety. He can watch a video like his brother. They might even play together. And definitely no more nursing.

In fact I'm holding on to that bright and shining day like a beacon in the night. In a stormy night with pounding waves that toss me under like a rag doll before I can catch a breath.

Oh, and what else...

I've started drinking a giant mug of coffee in the middle of the day. It helps.

My kind and thoughtful friend lent me her double-jogging stroller this week. I jogged with it once. It was awesome.

My reward at the end of a long, hard day is listening to Chris Rice albums as I wash dishes and tidy the playroom. Not exactly putting my feet up but I'm starting to accept my role as a 16 hour a day menial house slave. I don't glower as much as I used to.

If ever there was a time I needed to practice being positive and grateful, it is now. Giving thanks is no longer something 'nice to do' for me. It is the difference between life and death. Between despair and hope. Between sinking and staying afloat. Because my goodness how the storms rage on.


Kate Sherwood said...

{Hugs} and good thoughts that you will be guided to something to help you during this time. And, for wisdom.

My heart breaks reading this--because I remember. My situation was a little different, but I remember the despair all too well. I am glad you have music.

Signing off with more hugs.

Kate @ BJJ, Law, and Living

Alice in Wonderland said...

Thanks Kate! Your hugs and support and sympathy from afar mean so much. You wouldn't think it, but it truly means a lot. Tis' the season for me where a little understanding and compassion goes a loooooooong way.

Life in vet school said...

I've been reading your blog for a few weeks, but I haven't commented before. I know how you feel - there are days when both kids are in great moods and everything is wonderful and idyllic and I wish that I could stay home with them every day and they'd stay these ages for years. And then there are days when I practically salivate at the prospect of going to work the next day because I just cannot take one more minute, and I wonder HOW on EARTH people survive being a SAHM full-time. I also know that as interminably long as some days feel, that this time of having 2 small children who depend on me for everything is the shortest little blip in my life, and I know I'll miss it when they're older.

I totally agree that running is a life-saver. I wish I could do it every day!

Alice in Wonderland said...

Thanks for commenting Life in Vet School! I totally agree--it's all about PERSPECTIVE. I never realized how much taking care of little kids is a head-game. Gotta get mine on straight and keep adjusting it 100x a day. I prob need a mantra, like, next year will be better. Next year will be better. Next year will be better!