One

Dear Judah,

Today you turn one! Here are photos from each month of your life, one for each month. This time last year I was just starting labor and completely surprised when a little human was placed on my chest when it was all over.


Your dad and I felt so overwhelmed and under-qualified to take care of you those first few weeks, not least of all, because you were an extremely "alert" and "high-need" baby--barely sleeping, and hating to be put down.


The weeks and months rolled by so quickly, I didn't even notice how much and how quickly you were changing.


I did however notice how heavy you were. It seemed like my arms were always on the verge of falling off, my shoulders never stopped aching, and my carpal tunnel would never abate.


And the sleep deprivation. Oh the sleep deprivation. What torture!


As the months went on I often wondered at this new life I was living, this new reality, this new normal...


I don't know how I could have EVER thought that I was busy, before I had you. How could I even begin to know the meaning of the word, until I had you?


How could I ever know what "restrictions" were? What it meant to be tied down? What it meant to be in self-denial (in the good sense of the word)?


How could anyone know what "lack of freedom" means until you haven't slept more than 4 hours at a time for at least 9 months?!


And yet, I found I was experiencing every paradox in the book. Life with you was fast and slow. Fun and painful. Hard, and yet irresistible.


How could I ever have thought I knew what Joy was, until I had you?


How could I ever have thought I understood anything of Love or Care or Devotion?


Before you, only certain days felt special--vacations, holidays, birthdays. But with you, every night feels like the night before Christmas.


And every day, an incredible Gift.