Want to know what I REALLY do at work?

I morbidly joked on FB that my job is like an abusive boyfriend--beating me up all the time but then giving me just enough compensation to make me reluctantly stay in this awful relationship.

I've been through some horrible projects, but this most recent one, the wounds fresh in my mind, has got to be up there in the top 3 horrible projects of all time.

This monstrosity began innocently enough, 6 months ago, as one giant 200 page contract that yours truly had to meticulously draft.  Think about that.  In and of itself, that's already pretty sad and onerous.  Have you ever read the fine print on your credit card statement?  Neither have I.  But I read reams and reams of that same dry legalese everyday--200 pages worth for this particular beast.

But, that's not even the tip of the TIP of the iceberg of pain.

So after weeks of pain and a final push that involved 15 hour days, tons of weekend work, missing my little guy for a couple days--Contract #1 was signed and sealed.

And then the real pain began.  Our lovely clients decided they wanted to do Contract #2, which would be the mirror-image of Contract #1.  Like some corporate version of musical chairs, the parties switched roles and each assumed the other's position from the previous contract...but not quite.  Some things were different.  Actually, many things were different.  So many, that the negotiations devolved into bickering that sounded exactly like this:

"But that's not how we did it in Contract #1."
"I know, but that's because Contract #1 is not exactly analogous to Contract #2"
"We want everything to be symmetrical!"
"But not everything should be.  It's a slightly different deal."

Back and forth it went.  I drafted another monster 200-page contract.  And then I revised it.  And then I revised it again.  And again.  And again.  Until I think I've memorized every word on that horrible 200-page beast.  Oh, but it was a joy to revise (note the sarcasm) because every time I revised it I had to check it against Contract #1 to make sure it was analogous where it was supposed to be, and not analogous where it wasn't supposed to be.  I know even reading about my travails in a nutshell is boring and meticulous--but, wait, there's more goodies!

Enter--Contract #3!  This one was supposed to be exactly like Contract #1, except with a different counter-party.  And everything was supposed to be the same, except it was slightly different.  Oh, those slight differences bring all the life to the party--oh those multitude of slight nuances that just make me want to stick a fork in my eye.  Lovely.

So now, are you keeping track?  There are 2 thorny and very confusingly similar deals going on--Contract #2 and Contract #3.  How can this get any better you ask?

Why, the clients want to amend Contract #1!  Joy oh joy!  That horrible beast that started it all gets a second life.  This deal was turning out to be like the many headed hydra of Hercules.  You think you've killed it, but it rises again!  So all the sweat, tears and pain was for nothing.  We had to undertake to completely overhaul Contract #1...so in effect, it's like Contract #4.

Mind you, this is not done in a calm, friendly, office environment.  This is all done under extreme time pressure.  This is the kind of messages my boss sends me (subliminally and sometimes not so subliminally):

"Hurry, hurry, hurry!!!!!!  But don't you dare have any mistakes in this draft!  No missing commas, periods, mispelled words!  Every section reference must be correct (there are literally more than 500 in each doc and they constantly shift around)!  Every footer, header, pagination, index, appendix, exhibit must be perfect!  Don't you dare misinterpret my very vague instructions about drafting this complex concept that I haven't had the time to explain to you!  And every utterance of the client must be reflected in the draft--go back through your 47 client email chains over the span of 2 weeks and make sure everything gets correctly reflected in the draft!"

Of course I slack off where I can.  Spending an extra hour with my sweet baby is so much more important to me than proofreading the document a 3rd time before it goes out.  So I frequently get lovely emails from my boss that say things like: You missed this, you missed that, you didn't draft this correctly.  This is weak.  And the subject line to the emails are wonderful too.  One of them simply said "Frustration" and the body said, "I'm getting really frustrated at you!"

You know things have gotten really bad when the boss regularly just assumes what you did was wrong, even though it's actually right.  I've corrected her many times.  But it just goes to show that she's lost all confidence in my work.  My 200 page contracts are indeed riddled with wrong section references and mispelled words.  These, by the way, are like cockroaches.  For every one you see, there are probably 15 that you don't.  My boss routinely catches about 3 in each of my drafts.  And she assumes there are at least 20 that she doesn't know about.

Frankly, I find it annoying that I have to deal with stupid typographical nits when I'm also responsible for the heavy-duty substance of the draft.  EXCUSE ME for not finding that missing comma.  I was busy making sure the indemnity clause covers any clinical trials we do with x and y active pharmaceutical ingredients, instead of just x and z, but only during the period before we get marketing approval from the FDA and EMA for drug w and only with respect to losses arising from manufacturing defects in x.  In other words, I have bigger fish to fry than worrying about your stupid commas!!!

Now, all the time pressure, aggravation, and headache would be fine and dandy if it occurred Monday through Friday during the hours of 9am to 5pm.  I don't even mind the fact that I haven't eaten a proper lunch in 6 months.  I will happily eat stupid balance bars at my desk every day for the rest of my life, if only I could keep the work contained between the hours of 9 to 5.

But of course not.  It goes on 24-7.  I'm frequently not allowed to go to sleep unless my boss gives me permission.  9 out of 10 days I put the baby to sleep at 8:26pm and by 8:30 I am logged in and drafting up some odious provision about regulatory meetings.  I turn off the computer at 10:30pm and try to sleep immediately, but of course, I can't.  Baby wakes me up at 6:30am.  I go to work.  Rinse and repeat.

And believe or not, those are the good days.

The bad days are when I am stuck in the office and only see my baby for 30 minutes.  I work until midnight and wake up at 5:30am for a conference call.

Right before a signing deadline, there are MANY bad days.  Mentally, it should be okay because you tell yourself--the darker the night, the nearer the dawn.  I will give it all I've got for this one final push and this horrible weight will be lifted from my shoulder once and for all.  It's just like giving birth to a baby--the worst pain of your life, but a great reward at the end.

But that was not to be with Contract #2 and amending Contract #1.

There was deadline #1--GREAT PUSH, HORRIBLE HOURS, WORK 15 HOUR DAYS FOR A WEEK--oh crap, 1 hour before the deadline we realize we're not going to be able to make the deadline.  Extend the deadline.

Deadline #2--GREAT PUSH, HORRIBLE HOURS, POOP ON MY WEEK AND ENTIRE WEEKEND--oh crap, 2 hours before the deadline we realize we're not going to be able to make it.  Extended.

Deadline #3--GREAT PUSH...you get the idea.  Extension!  Lovely!

Deadline #4--didn't make it either.  Oops.

Deadline #5!!!!  This is the real one guys!  Really?  Pardon me if I'm a leeeetle bit skeptical.

But no.  Deadline #5 was the real one.  After 6 months of awful awful awfulness these horrible suite of contracts have finally been put to bed.  The contracts are dated November 15, 2011 and signatures are being exchanged as I type this very sentence.

I'm am foggy brained and bleary eyed from waking up at 5:30am for a conference call.  But I had to write this all down so I never forget the epic grossness of this horrible horrible project.

By the way, in case you're wondering what profession to steer your children away from, I'm a corporate lawyer.