Before you were even born I already felt a lot of mommy guilt.
|These precious shoes are one of the only special things Noah got just for him (not a handmedown from Judah). You can order them on my friend's etsy site: Little Pear Company|
I wasn't as "good" during my pregnancy with you as I was with your brother. I exercised a heckuva lot less (okay, like none really). I ate a lot more crap (specifically top ramen, spam and brownies). And was generally constantly exhausted running around after your brother, among other things.
Life was so busy and hectic I didn't even take you to most of the OB check ups I was supposed to have. I postponed taking the gestational diabetes test for at least 3 months, and thankfully, found that we were in the clear.
And I'm sorry you're never going to get anything of your own. You will always be wearing your brother's old clothes. Playing with his old toys. Using his old gear. And standing in the shadow of every milestone he reaches first.
Even your name doesn't have quite the parental pride your brother's name has. We loved Judah's name the second we thought of it. We thought it fit perfectly in every way and locked it in instantly in our hearts and minds.
Your name...not so much. It was acceptable. Inoffensive. But not something we really wanted to commit to...but it's growing on us.
But I certainly liked your name a lot more when I found out it means "rest." Oh please, please live up to that blessed word. Please be the opposite of your older brother!
And to be perfectly honest, the main reason we wanted to have you is for the sake of your older brother. We wanted him to have a buddy for life--someone who will be there with him long after we are gone. We wanted him to understand how to love and share everything with at least one other person. We wanted to make sure we didn't spoil him too much with time and attention.
Anyway, suffice it to say, you are not getting the primo treatment your brother got (pun intended). You are not our first boy and we'll always have less time and attention for you because of that simple fact.
But if our attention is divided, know that our love is not.
Our hearts felt and continue to feel the same infinite weight filling every fiber of our being the second we saw you that first miraculous moment.
And although you will never be 'first', you have something much better than Judah ever will--the joyful proud love of your older brother.
He kissed you every morning and every night while you were in my tummy. And he continues to do the same now that you are born. He wants nothing more than to protect you and make sure you are well cared for and has a whole box of toys that he put aside just for you.
He thinks you're the best--he says "My dai-dai going to hit all the other babies"--okay, so he's a little violent, but his money is on you!
So welcome to our family, little Noah. Know that our love for you is second to none.