On-Call

I'm so tired of being on-call. Endlessly available.

I'm so tired of living in a bubble of independence so that at a moment's notice, as soon as my blackberry summons me forth, I'm ready. Ready to review that document, revise that draft, recirculate that agreement.

I literally have a 15-minute-mobility rule. I will not travel anywhere outside of a 15-minute radius of my work station. Which basically means I live like a hermit.

Making plans with friends is extremely psychologically painful. The entire time leading up to the hour of our meeting, I'm worried I'm going to get "that email."

Then the entire time during the hour of our meeting I'm thumbing my blackberry, still dreading the sight of "that email."

It is not until I'm safely back at home that I feel a tremendous sense of relief. But what's the point of going out with friends when you're so distracted by anxiety you can't even enjoy their company?!

I don't think this holding pattern can hold much longer. Something's gotta give. Either I will lose my mind in this 10 by 10 cell of a life, or I will lose my job.

Or I will learn to be okay with disappointing my coworkers and bosses and occasionally (or more than occasionally) my friends and family. Okay, knowing myself, this latter option is impossible.