Mother Nature is a B*tch

I’ve never begrudged men anything.

I never felt like there was a war of the sexes. I’m more a lover, so to speak, not a fighter.

But that’s before I got pregnant.

If anything can turn a sanguine attitude about gender equality into bitter, bitter gall, it’s got to be pregnancy. I mean, the differing roles between men and women in the pregnancy and post-partum process is just staggering! Because, frankly, we have ALL the equipment!

We feel nauseous, sore and tired for 3 months (sometimes longer, as I’m finding out). We get examined, poked and prodded, down there. We balloon into an unrecognizable and uncomfortable orb for months (and endure the associated swelling, soreness and aches and pains). We give up all our favorite foods and eat like monks. We end up with scars and stretch marks and an explosion of acne. And here’s the kicker—-we go through the worst pain ever known to mankind! A pain so horrifying and traumatizing it cannot be described. Yes, a pain so epic in proportion, the Bible uses it to analogize Christ’s sufferings on the cross.

Freaking fantastic.

And what does a guy endure? Uh, his “contribution,” if we may even call it that, is something, I think we’d all agree, most guys would consider very very pleasant.

Let’s face it. There’s no such thing as gender equality. As long as women are the only ones with the "milk and eggs," there will be no equity.

But wait, some women might say. You’ve got it all backwards. It’s women who lucked out in this lopsided game called biology. We get to experience the birthing process. We get to bond in a special way with the fetus. We get to share in a sacred act that men will never understand.

Um, sure, whatever. All I know is that if there were a magic button that I could press that would immediately distribute my pain and discomfort equally (and yes, all that good bonding crap too) between my spouse and I, I would not hesitate to push it! And especially not during labor!

That would be way better than an epidural.