A Better Way

Anna Mae, born to Chinese parents, was adopted by an American family nearly 8 years ago. Very soon after the adoption (3 months I think) Anna Mae's biological parents said they wanted her back again. The Bakers said No.


Thus began a long custody battle (8 years!!!) that ended recently with the Tennessee Supreme Court ordering Anna Mae to be returned to her birth parents.

The Bakers are devastated and claim that Anna Mae is too. After living all her life in Tennessee, she may have to move all the way to China where she knows no one and does not even speak the language.

What was the cause of this tragic controversy?

Apparently it was some horrible miscommunication. Some unfortunate ambiguity. The birth parents thought they were placing their child in temporary foster care from which they could retrieve her soon thereafter. The Bakers thought it was permanent adoption.

Of course the real tragedy is: Why couldn't they have just settled this 8 years ago?!!!!! Now it's a lose-lose situation.

This kind of case really brings out the Mediator in me. After taking the Negotiation Clinic I feel the kind of crazy optimism that all negotiators feel: We can work this out. There is a better way.

The first step in negotiation is identifying a common ground. In this case, it's easy and powerful: Anna Mae's best interest.

No party wants her to be miserable in a foreign land or estranged from the deepest sources of her identity, her biological parents.

The next step is to brainstorm options. Lots of options. Creative options with no ownership and may be completely impractical but will get the juices of cooperation flowing. They say Clinton was very good at this. He would relentlessly spitball for hours until something stuck.

Could the birth parents stay in America and live close by? Could the birth parents share custody with the Bakers, like divorced spouses? Could a neutral-third-party child psychologist give the final say?

The beginning of the solution is when the parties realize that this is a JOINT problem. It's not YOU versus ME like good versus bad, as if there will be a winner versus a loser. It's not a zero sum game in which a pie is being split. The child needs BOTH sets of parents. As most divorces know, when a child is involved, either we all win, or we all lose.

More info on Wikipedia.